The cruel truth of marriage: meeting PUA at home

 The cruel truth of marriage: meeting PUA at home

Zhang Mohan, wife of Sprinter Zhang Peimeng, accused her husband of domestic violence on her microblog on October 15.

She posted a large number of pictures and videos on her microblog, accusing her husband of not only committing domestic violence during pregnancy, but also committing a principle error of cheating.

Zhang Peimeng is not willing to show weakness.

Ms. Zhang Mohan has a strong personality and has been trying to brainwash Zhang Peimeng: the athletes are simple in mind, rough in character, inferior in character and inferior in character...

The woman accuses the other party of violence, while the man says he has been mentally PUA

We dont know the truth of the matter.

But it can more truly reflect the status quo of many Chinese marriage.

What you see in the news is often the following:

The husband abused his wife for a long time, or insulted his wife. The wife had no ability to resist;

Or the wife always dislikes her husband and punishes him in a cold and violent way. As a husband, she can only bear it.

One side is purely the identity of the perpetrator, and the other is purely the victim.

But in reality, husband and wife often have dual identities: both the perpetrator and the victim.

For example, one side is good at hard violence, while the other side seems to have no aggressive behavior on the surface.

But they also use the cold war or verbal insults to carry out mental soft violence to the other party.

The final result can only be that one party is physically black and blue and the other is riddled with holes psychologically.


In marriage, it is not only physical conflict that is called violence.

Violence is also divided into hard violence and soft violence.

The main form of hard violence in marriage is domestic violence.

Domestic violence and control are often integrated.

Control is a psychological mechanism, and domestic violence is the extreme external manifestation of this psychology.

But in fact, the heart is very lack of strength support, afraid of losing control of the state, so use this rude way to control each other.

Its like a lot of people usually look good, but they just cant accept breaking up.

Some people will use physical violence to try to control each other, and even choose to use suicide to threaten.

Breaking up for them is unacceptable and out of control.

Once things are out of control, they want to make up for the lack of inner security by any means.


Soft violence is a kind of invisible attack, psychological abuse, or spiritual PUA.

Attack the other partys self-esteem through negative words, or punish the other party frequently in the way of cold war.

Soft violent people dont usually apologize because they are good at transferring mistakes to each other.

Take a very common example

You need an apology because of the cold war or some unfriendly message.

But he not only denied the wrongdoing, but also refused to apologize to you.

As long as you show anger, he can immediately transfer his anger to you.

Why are you so critical of me?

How can you be so angry?

His wrong behavior was found out. It should have been his own that would have been irritated. As a result, you have made a fuss.

His focus is on your anger, not your own incompetence.

The reason is that when the two sides are in a relatively tense atmosphere, the boundaries between people will become blurred.

They are closer to each other than independent.

Emotions in this state will be more transitive.

He passes on his anger to you, and you hardly notice it.

Soft violence people are good at using fuzzy boundaries to confuse right and wrong.

Such a passive relationship is a shackle to the party who is soft violence.


Both hard violence and soft violence belong to the expression of human aggression.

However, low self-esteem and avoidance personality are more likely to solve problems in marriage by means of suppression or cold war.

According to Freud:

Aggression needs to be managed and sometimes even consciously vigilant.

When family violence meets PUA, when hard violence meets soft violence.

Both sides are using extreme ways to satisfy their selfish desires, vent their anger and express their attacks. The result can only be that both sides lose.

So how can we break this vicious circle?

Practical Jun believes that the most important point is to know how to see each other.

When you find that the other party is in an aggressive state, the first thing to do is not complain and punishment, but to make your emotions as stable as possible.

Then analyze, find out the common points of pulling each others emotions, and find the reasons behind the emotions.

Think about why instead of floating on the surface of emotional phenomena.

When you understand the causes behind the other partys emotions, you can really do empathy.

If you understand, you wont be so angry.

If you still want to continue this relationship, try to give more and let him feel more love in words or behaviors.

You always tolerate him and love him. As long as he feels it, he will have no reason to express his aggressiveness to you.

You know, your ultimate goal is to improve the relationship, not to ask for an answer or an apology, right?

Of course, there is also a group of people, no matter how much you love him, he thinks you should, even more unlimited demand.

They are always hostile and aggressive to you. They are partners on the surface, but enemies behind them.

If you cant change the status quo after your efforts, then leave bravely.

Dont let the depression of the past take away the beauty of today and the future.