For this reason, we have launched an investigation on various new media platforms of marriage and family - its very sad at the time of divorce, should we tell the children? Of the 6734 valid questionnaires collected, 73% said it was common for children to share their parents emotions, and they had witnessed or experienced them. In addition, 75% of people said that if they want to tell their children, its better to say it in person, not with letters, messages or dummy hands.
It seems that everyone has shown considerable courage and determination on this issue, and they are no longer as secretive and difficult to speak as before. Now, lets see what we think.
It is not always accepted that children share their parents emotions in divorce, but it is actually very common. In modern times, the most famous example is probably the divorce between Prince Charles and Diana. Before and after the divorce, Diana often drove to Williams boarding school in the evening to tell him about her emotional troubles. At that time, William was only 10 years old and had already taken on the responsibility of comforting his mother. Therefore, 73% of the respondents have seen similar cases, which is not surprising.
At the time of divorce, parents let their children share their emotions. Like Diana, they may be overt and open-minded, saying Mom just wants you to comfort you.. It may also be recessive and unconscious. The fire in the city gate will affect the fish in the pond, which is easy to be ignored. For example, when meihongmei divorced Sun Nan, it was once rumored that she would not let Sun Nan see her children. Whether this is true or not is unknown to outsiders, but this practice is very common among couples. It means to force the father or mother out of the childs life, regardless of the childs wishes. Although both parents will publicly declare that this is only aimed at the other side and have no intention of attacking their children, in fact, the children have become the victims of their parents anger.
Which of these four options to choose actually depends on the childs psychological maturity. The more mature children, the more calm they will be when facing their parents emotions, and the less likely they are to affect their own mental health.
What is psychological maturity? Generally speaking, there are two indicators for reference. One is to be able to objectively define myself, and this definition is clear and stable. It will not if my parents praise me today, I will feel good about myself; if my parents scold me tomorrow, I will feel bad about myself. The other is to be independent, have clear boundaries, and be able to make judgments on their own rather than on the basis of their parents emotions. Lets take a look at the four options.
A has relatively high requirements for childrens maturity. Children must have a stable self and be psychologically independent so that they can fully digest their parents complex emotions and play the role of comforter. Obviously, its a task for older children and even adults. 21% of the candidates chose this item, but it should be noted that some of the children may not be mature, and it may bring a lot of pressure to the children if they are required to share it together.
B was the most popular choice, up to 42%. In recent years, many psychologists encourage parents to scientifically tell their children the reasons for divorce, and parents are no longer taboo. But this option also requires a childs maturity: children need to understand their parents words before they can see the context objectively. At the same time, parents are also required to master the scientific method of informing, so as to be different from person to person. For children with poor understanding ability, it is not necessary to explain the reasons too complicated, as long as they can simply explain in the language they understand; for children with good understanding ability, parents can tell them in detail, and at the same time encourage them to understand the truth and help them see that parents are separated, but their love for them will not change.
C is the least popular choice. Its target is mainly immature children, whose understanding ability is not strong, but it is easy to be infected by parents emotions. At this point, they may feel the pressure, but they dont know what to do. In this case, parents should try to restrain themselves and not try to let their children share.
Its reasonable for people who choose d to worry that emotional excitement will affect their children. But at the same time, when divorce has become an established fact, it is not a good way to avoid it. In particular, when children ask questions on their own initiative, if parents keep silent, they will make their children think more. Therefore, if parents feel difficult to grasp their emotions, they can find another appropriate time or method to tell their children.
The key to this problem is how to express your intention accurately. Usually, we transmit information in the form of language, expression, action, instinct, style of doing things, etc. Some of these expressions are explicit, such as parents say they are sad, say they are discussing divorce, for children all means literally. Some are recessive, such as sad expression, tears and tears, which can make children feel the sad feelings of their parents.
The highest proportion is a, which is also a complete psychological picture needed by a persons healthy growth. A child needs to know whats going on at each point in time and be able to explain it so that he can establish an accurate understanding of himself and the world. If there is a blank in the picture, they will explore, imagine and even distort it. Obviously, its bad for growth.
Compared with a, B and C, it is easier to result in negation and distortion. Although few people choose, in reality, such examples are not in the minority. Especially when the divorced couple is involved in violent conflicts such as infidelity and property disputes, one party is not willing to even mention her predecessor, let alone explain the problem objectively to the child. At this time, they may try to cover it up or take care of him, causing the children to draw a big question mark on this experience, thus leaving a knot in their life and making them constantly pursue it.
In recent years, more and more people begin to pay attention to the psychological impact of divorce on children, so how to tell children about divorce has become a concern. Everyones situation is different, and their practices are not the same. But if parents really have no clue, then at least one principle can be relied on, that is, in any case, let children know that parents love them, which is the most basic protection for children. As long as the children feel love, even if their parents are exhausted in the divorce war, their children still have a chance to keep their mental health. When they grow up, they have the energy to pursue love and make life more complete.