Xiao Li was wearing a proper dress the day she first entered the consulting room. I was surprised when she said she was 33 years old with fair skin, high ponytail and exquisite figure. Because she looks more like a girl in her twenties and twenties. Xiao Li is a doctor of chemistry. She has been married for just one year and has been in a cold war with her husband for more than a month.
Xiao Li described to me her dream of marriage before marriage. She raised her head and narrowed her eyes, just like a girl in love. Xiao Lis skin and state are really incomparable to many women of this age. But I didnt care how she was maintained, but a little doubt passed through my mind
What keeps the emotional state of a woman in her early thirties in her seventeen or eighteen years old?
A month ago, Xiao Li and her husband Zhang Kuang had a big fight. She once again called out divorce.. Unexpectedly, this time, Zhang Kuang did not silence or coax her, but said firmly: leave on the leave! Since then, the two have been cold war, sleeping in separate rooms. Two weeks ago, Zhang Kuang went on a business trip to other places, and Xiao Li began to feel flustered, short of breath and insomnia in the middle of the night. She came to me in a panic, hoping to find a way to ease her mood and learn to get along with her partner. I asked her if she wanted to improve herself and repair the relationship with her husband? Xiao Li pursed her lips and said, thats not sure! If you do leave this time, you will need to find someone else later! She said to give her husband half a month, if he does not take the initiative to apologize, divorce. Xiao Li hopes that I can tell her step by step that in case of divorce, how to adjust the mentality as soon as possible and find the ideal partner immediately.
I told her that none of the consultants had that ability. But if she can speak freely, I am willing to accompany her to learn and grow slowly. Xiao Li is an only child. Her parents are teachers, and they have high requirements on her. For example, when Xiao Li says which girl students card is pretty good and which TV series characters are a little funny, her parents remind her that it has nothing to do with her study and dont waste time. Xiao Li was very eager to get her masters degree in chemistry at one go, and she was admitted to a doctors degree after a years work.
At the age of 30, Xiao Li was employed as a teacher in a university. In the first two years of her work, she still focused most of her time and energy on pursuing her career. While taking care of her, her parents began to urge her to get married. Xiao Li suddenly woke up, she was in her early 30s, and she had never been in love!
Zhang Kuang, a classmate of Xiao Lis colleagues, is five years older than her. Like her, Zhang Kuang was busy with his studies and entrepreneurship before, which delayed his love. They fell in love at first sight, and both felt that they were the one they had been looking for for for years. In February 2019, two people who have known each other for three months will get married.
Blurting out divorce is not just impulsive angry words
Who knows, life after marriage soon proved that it is easy to love and difficult to get along with. Zhang Kuang is handsome, capable and careful, but he is reticent, unromantic and not generous enough to her parents Looking back on their more than a year of getting along with each other, Xiao Lis mood swings and fluctuates greatly. Sometimes she thinks that Zhang Kuang has many advantages: he loves reading, is willing to study, has a good figure, and has good physical strength. When Xiao Li is on a business trip, he will prepare everything for her carefully; sometimes Xiao Li accuses her husband of being dull and not understanding people. For example, on Valentines day, all her female students received gifts from her boyfriend, but Zhang Kuang didnt prepare anything. Xiao Li complained, Zhang Kuang said innocently: you are a married woman in her 30s, why do you want to envy that set of children?
Another time, Xiao Li went to Huangshan and saw the vast sea of clouds. She was so excited that she immediately connected with Zhang Kuangs video. Unexpectedly, his head image hung up after shaking for a few seconds. Xiao Li then connected, he no longer answered, finally, Zhang Kuang sent a word: busy! Angry Xiaoli, the first thing to go home is to find Zhang Kuang. He pointed to a thick stack of information and asked her, do you know how much pressure it is to start a business?
She talked about these experiences with intense emotion. I have been listening to her and recognizing her emotions. Xiao Li also experienced being listened to and empathized with. Listening attentively to others and being able to empathize with others emotionally is the premise of forming a closer relationship between people. However, Xiao Li has little experience and resources in this field. For many years, her parents have taken good care of her in life, but the exchange of personal preferences and emotions between parents and children always gives way to her studies. In order to learn, Xiao Li also lacks the nourishment of friendship between peers and friends.
In the first stage of consultation, I allowed Xiao Li to express freely and experience her various emotional changes freely. Even if she was angry, angry and happy like a roller coaster, she was allowed and accepted here.
During the fourth consultation, Xiao Li said that her chest tightness and palpitation almost disappeared, and insomnia only occasionally appeared. She even began to take the initiative to talk to Zhang Kuang. It seems that the experience of being respected and listened attentively in the consultation has calmed her mood and gradually become a resource she can use in her relationship.
After the first stage of listening and empathy, counseling enters the second stage: accepting the true self. At this time, Xiao Li is more and more relaxed, more and more courage to explore the emotional depth that is not often touched.
Zhang Kuangs health has been good, but half a year ago suddenly appeared shaking hands and feet, syncope in the past abnormal situation. After examination, Zhang Kuang had abnormal glucose tolerance due to heredity and long-term high load work, which may develop into diabetes over time. Zhang Kuang doesnt care, but Xiao Li remembers the sadness of her family when she was a child.
Getting married at 20 is no different from getting married at 30
When she found that she didnt care much about her husbands health, she was more worried, afraid, and even wanted to run away. Of course, because the discovery was made in a secure, confidential and non judgmental consulting room, she was able to explore and accept her vulnerability, fear and even selfishness.
The third stage is trying to understand the other half. When Xiao Lis mood is calmed and she has more awareness, understanding and acceptance of herself, I need to help her take a step towards the position of relationship. Xiao Li and her husband have different expectations for marriage, but because of dissatisfaction and incomprehension, it is difficult for Xiaoli to see this side. When the first love and new marriage overlapped on her, the 33 year old little woman was filled with longing for flowers, romance and congeniality. It is no wonder that she looks much younger than she is. Zhang Kuang is still experiencing the hardships of starting a business. For him, his marriage may not only be full of fuel, but also have a real struggle and commitment.
When Xiao Li complained again that Zhang Kuang would rather drink with her friends than go to the exhibition with her, I helped her to see what her emotional needs were at that time and what the causes and consequences of her husbands drinking. She felt the cold shoulder, in her husbands needs may just be Relaxation, Xiao Li is not so angry. She also saw that if she was more angry, her husband would be more alienated, and she would be more disappointed and angry, and her husband would give up and flee more. Xiao Li realized her responsibility in the relationship and expressed her willingness to try to change from herself.
At the sixth time of the consultation, Xiao Li told me that she and her husband had resumed sleeping together.
In the last stage, we should know ourselves and the enemy and strive for them through consultation. No longer complaining about your husband, can you only suppress your own needs? Of course not. Usually, when Zhang Kuang didnt meet her expectations, Xiao Li would complain that it was the way she learned from her parents to deal with conflicts. Before, Xiao Li never knew that she could tell her anger or disappointment calmly. After practicing many times through role playing, she was able to learn and use it.
In fact, many couples are like Xiao Li and Zhang Kuang: they lack the ability to invite.. Invitation is not to press and threaten angrily, but to speak out ones own needs gently and sincerely ask the other party to satisfy himself. I recommended some books and articles to her. Xiao Li read them quickly. With her experience and practice in emotional regulation and seeing relationships, she soon had the basic ability to settle herself, see differences, and adjust relationships.
Not long ago, Xiao Li told me: when she made a change, her husband unexpectedly also moved in the direction she expected. Now they feel that they have entered the best moment of marriage. At the same time, Xiao Li, who has been wanting to be pregnant but not pregnant after marriage, is also pregnant.
In fact, no matter how old a person gets into marriage and how high his education background is, it needs a process of exploration and learning. It is too late to start and change at any time.