When a visitor first came for consultation, she said that she seemed to have some neurasthenia. She would wake up suddenly at night, sometimes she would wake up, but she did not have nightmares. She went to a physical examination and found nothing wrong. We also talked about other aspects of life. She also said that everything was going well. The loan for the second half of the year was collected. Next years work plan was completed. There was no conflict between the family members.
Because we have just established a consultation relationship, we have not discussed it in depth, but have learned more relevant information. She started from scratch and now has two factories. Her husband is in charge of Finance in the company. The child has been to primary school, because both husband and wife are relatively busy, usually grandma helps to take care of the childrens daily life and diet.
In the process, I noticed that she repeatedly said, why do you wake up suddenly without nightmares? If nightmares can wake you up, are there some small conflicts that can make you sleepless? She thought for a moment and said that she thought her husband seemed to have given up some of his responsibilities. I didnt quite understand, so I asked her, what does it mean to give up part of the responsibility? She said that recently she hesitated to sell a house and asked her husband for advice, but he said, its ok if you decide.
She told me that although she was a strong woman in other peoples eyes, she really wanted to get emotional support from her husband. However, her husband always responded to her in this way and always left everything to her, which made her feel that the relationship between the two people was getting farther and farther away. But in addition, the husbands performance is very good, should also do. Therefore, she always has a nameless fire in her heart, but she cant find a place to vent.
So it seems that there is something wrong with intimacy. But when it comes to more details of her relationship with her husband, I feel that she is not complaining, but more like recalling the sweetness between them. For example, she said that when she was cooking, her husband would tell him what to do, and she wanted him to get out of the way. Although the mouth said to roll, but the tone did not have the slightest anger and sadness, but a little happy. In particular, she also said that she would joke to her husband: get out! How do you feel like youre with my mom?
This casual joke makes me a little curious. Maybe, there is no real problem in her relationship with her husband. The problem may be in other relationships.
Who on earth is with mom?
So, I asked her, why did you say to my husband that he and your mother were together? She said that her mother now lives with them, everything must be mixed up, and often pick bone from the eggs, from the childrens work and rest to the companys business, mother can always find her dissatisfaction.
Whats the relationship between your husband and your mother? I asked. She said although there was no major conflict between the two, the relationship was not very good. Because her mother will often tell her that her husband is not good here and there is wrong, and her husband will complain to her about her mother-in-laws interference in the family, and so on.
I seem to be beginning to understand why her relationship with her husband is getting more and more distant. Because at home, she and her husband are not on the same front, she has been balancing the relationship between her husband and mother. She said a lot of things about the two people accusing each other, and both hoped that she would come forward to settle the other. Speaking of this, she felt like she was sandwiched between two people, so it was very hard.
If its just sandwiched in the middle, its not the hardest work. The hardest thing may be that shes really with her mother, because she mentioned a detail. On her birthday, her husband ordered a bunch of flowers and sent them to the company. She was very happy, so she looked at her husband for several days. In the company, she said it was a flower from her husband. Originally, she also wanted to share with her children. She even thought that if her mother was not at home, she would let her child guess who sent the flowers. But when she was about to get home, she suddenly felt a little uneasy and uncomfortable. Sure enough, when she entered the door and saw her mother at home, she immediately put away her excited expression. She did not want to share her thoughts with her children. She just threw the flowers on the table casually. Mom saw it and knew it all.
The next morning, when she was about to go out, she heard her mother say to her neighbor sourly, Oh, we also received flowers yesterday. Just heard this sentence, she had a sour feeling, as if she should not have received flowers, immediately felt very ashamed. This sense of shame made her have an idea: it is not a birthday, not to spend so much thought, there is no need to spend money. Mom was right.
What you just said seems to contradict the excitement and joy expressed earlier. The reason why I asked this is because she described how she felt when she received the flowers vividly and vividly, but now she said that she would not spend so much attention. It was as if she had indirectly rejected her husbands feelings and intentions. I think maybe her husband will also feel this part, because it may not happen once or twice, but often in life.
When I fed this part back to her, she said that it seemed to be so, which also made her think of more things. Sometimes, her husband will give her some delicious dishes to eat, but she will tell him in front of her mother: if you think its delicious, you can eat it yourself. She couldnt help tears as she described the scene to me. I do receive the care and love of my husband, but I dont dare to believe my happiness.
Happiness is sour
I gradually understand that she dare not let herself live too happy, because she has a better life, the more can set off the mothers bad life. Because I asked her a question: if you and your husband are happy and happy every day, what do you think your family will become?
Instead of answering directly, she gave some details of how her parents got along with each other. When I was a child, my parents often quarreled because of the poor economic conditions. Mother always complained that her father didnt make money and didnt care for her family. She also felt that her mother was very hard, and raised her and her brother by herself. Later, she started a business, and when the conditions were good, she immediately took her mother over, hoping to make her life better.
After recalling the past, she thought for a while before she began to answer my question: the better I am, the more uncomfortable my mother will be. In this way, mom is like an outsider, and the distance between us will be more and more far away. If I didnt live so well, my mother would not be sad, and I would be close to her. It makes me feel a sense of shame if I live too well. The more happy and happy she was, the more ashamed she felt. Because her happiness and happiness is not sweet, but sour.
So, all her happiness and happiness should be restrained. For example, they dare not establish a closer relationship, they will inadvertently refuse to care from their husbands and can not express their love to their husbands. I think it may also be the place where her husband is helpless. Thats why he said to her, you decide. On the surface, it was her husband who couldnt give her emotional support. In fact, it was she who shut happiness out of the door.
And this sense of shame also extended to all aspects of her life, making her feel happy and happy, become embarrassed. So, when everything is going well, she will suddenly wake up at night. This is to symbolically let herself not be too good, then, she and her mothers distance will not be too far.
When she was aware of this part, she was relieved. She began to understand that her mothers unhappiness was brought about by her mothers experience, and she would not change her mothers life state because she did not let herself be happy. She and her mother are independent people, and she doesnt have to pay for it.