I was awakened by the sound of firecrackers outside the window, opened my sleepy eyes, a touch of sunlight was slanting in from the window, warm and soft. The motorcade downstairs is marrying a beautiful bride, the crowds noise is mixed with joy. Marriage is supposed to be a happy thing, but my wedding, which is coming at the end of the year, not only does not make me feel happy, but also makes me very sad. The man who is still sleeping is the one I want to remarry. However, after several months of getting along with each other, I suddenly hesitated and panicked about my future marriage.
My personal conditions are not bad, I have a stable job and considerable income. Five years ago, I had a good marriage, but that marriage lasted less than three years. I met my ex husband Cheng Jun in 2002, when he stopped paying to work in my city. I am a man of high spirit. I once gave up a lot of chasing people with exacting demands. But this time, I even associate with Chengjun, a person who has no right and no money. Maybe love is like this!
After half a years contact, I married Cheng Jun despite the opposition of my family. At that time, we had no house and lived in the dormitory of the unit. After marriage, our life was peaceful but happy, but because I suffered from gynecological diseases, I was not pregnant. This is also a defect in Chengjuns happy life.
In 2005, we had a savings. In fact, most of the money was mine, because Chengjuns salary was very low. We originally planned to use the money to buy a house, but life played a joke on us. Cheng Jun was found to have stomach cancer. Such a result for our blow can be imagined, I secretly cried for a few days, had to start to face the reality.
Chengjun actively received treatment, but the treatment cost of more than 100000 did not keep his life. Four months later, he left quietly. It was late autumn when Cheng Jun left. On that day, it was raining outside. I stood alone in the rain for a long time. Until my whole body was cold, I realized that the person who had given me warmth really left, and he would never come back to me again.
After Cheng Jun left, I often sat alone in the room thinking about him, his kindness to me, his regret that he didnt live in a new house, and I would cry out loud.
Seeing me living alone, some kind-hearted people began to make matchmaking for me, but at that time, my heart did not seem to make room to accept others.
Half a year later, Xu ye came into my life. At that time, he had just divorced and lived alone with his daughter Xiaolei. A friend said that Xu Ye has always taken good care of his ex-wife and daughter. However, his ex-wife is a vain and dissatisfied woman. She often does nothing and often gambles. Therefore, they often quarrel. After a years quarrel, they split up. My friends tried to set up Xu ye and me. I was also moved because he was a model husband. That day, I went to the seaside with Xu Ye. We were surprised to see a meteor. The moment the meteor crossed was bright and beautiful. I told myself quietly in my heart that if I could see a second meteor, I would associate with Xu Ye. The second meteor really crossed our eyes, I thought in my heart, it must be Chengjuns blessing in heaven. Cheng Jun once said in my ear when his life was the weakest: you must live a happy life.
I started to associate with Xu Ye. In order to alleviate my psychological burden, Xu Yes parents told the introducer that they had a certain amount of savings in their hands. As long as Xu ye and I could make a good living, we would not have to pay for the expenses needed for Xiaoleis growth. I was moved and gratified that the two old people could be so considerate.
At the beginning of 2007, Xu ye and I lived together. We planned to find a suitable time for our wedding. In those days, Xu Ye often held me in his arms, looked into my eyes and said affectionately, finding you is my greatest happiness, because you are better than my ex-wife in all aspects.
At the beginning, Xu Ye was very kind to me. In addition to actively doing housework, he often accompanied me to go shopping to buy clothes. Of course, I also take good care of Xu ye and Xiao Lei. In order not to let Xiaolei feel strange, I treat her like my own children, and often buy her clothes and delicious food. Xiao Leis new clothes piled up in the closet so much that when her mother called to buy her clothes, she refused: aunt has bought enough. Xiao Leis evaluation of me is also good. She agrees that I am with his father. Xiao Leis attitude is very gratifying to me. I had been worried that she would become a wall between me and Xu Ye.
Because of serious gynecological diseases, and the treatment level of the county is limited, I have to go to Hangzhou for treatment every time. From March 2007 to September 2007, I have been in the treatment, which costs nearly 2000 yuan a month. In the first few times, Xu Ye accompanied me to Hangzhou, and he also helped me pay hundreds of yuan for treatment, but later he did not accompany me because of his busy work. Every time I go to see a doctor, I am alone, and Xu Ye has never mentioned paying me to see a doctor.
Xu ye and I set the wedding ceremony on national day. Considering that his parents house is too small, I discussed with him to buy another new house. But Xu Ye frowned and said, I dont have any money in my hand. The money in my parents hands is for Xiao Lei to go to school later. Seeing that Xu Ye is in such a dilemma, I dont intend to force him to take out his savings for many years and buy a new house by way of mortgage. I paid half of the house price down payment, so we didnt have much to repay each month.
On the day when he got the key, Xu Ye seemed a little excited. He kept looking around and feeling there in his new house. And I stood in front of the big French window, even a little sad, I thought of Cheng Jun, thought of his wish to live in a new house, but now live in a new house is another man.
When I paid for the house, I didnt spend all my savings. Instead, I left a small sum of money, mainly for later decoration. I think if I ask Xu ye for money again, he must be the same as before. Therefore, I am not going to open my mouth to him.
The house is in the process of decoration, my unit has a personnel change, the result of the change makes me feel very lost. In those days, I was in a bad mood, and Xu Ye was always enlightening me. Xu ye, who knows how to care and care about me in life, is always cautious in terms of economic payment, but always longs for my pay. I dont know that Xu Yes situation is caused by my own economic advantages? Or does he feel that we cant afford to give without that paper?
Once, before I went to Hangzhou to see a doctor, I put the 800 yuan which I had just reimbursed in the unit in a drawer. After he came back, Xu Ye told me that he had used the 800 yuan. Although I was not happy in my heart, he said easily: use it. In addition to the hundreds of yuan he took out when he went to see a doctor in Tianjin for the first time, Xu ye only bought me a dress and a pair of sunglasses this year. But when he came back, he said that he had no money to go with me for hundreds of yuan. On the contrary, I am constantly buying clothes for Xu ye, because he is handsome and gentle, so I also hope to improve his image and let him go out with proper clothes.
One day in August, Xu ye came back from work and asked me if he had any money at home. If he had no money, he would go to the bank to get it. I told him that there was still one at home, and then he took 500 yuan from my bag, saying that it would be useful for his father to borrow it first. A few days later, I asked Xu Ye whether the money borrowed by his father had been returned. He said no, and I did not ask again. Later, when I went to the hospital for transfusion, I talked about the 500 yuan. Xu ye even told me, I have used the money. I immediately became unhappy and asked him reproachfully, how can you do this? However, Xu ye did not show any repentance. Instead, he put his arm around my shoulder and said with a smile, you are not going to let me pay back the money? I want to save some money to pay for Xiao Leis tuition this month. I pressed back my anger and asked Xu ye, didnt you say that Xiao Leis tuition should be borne by your parents? Hearing this, Xu Ye immediately changed his face. He said solemnly, how can you listen to the words of outsiders casually? I feel a sense of anger rising in my chest. I wanted to contradict Xu ye by saying, it was your parents who promised the introducer. Now how can I say that I listen to outsiders at will?? But I thought about it for a while, and I put up with it.
In the past two months, Xu ye also started to buy funds. He borrowed money from one place to another, and managed to make up ten thousand yuan. Soon, he borrowed 3000 yuan from me, saying that he would pay for his daughters tuition. I didnt pay any attention to him. I want to see: will Xu Yes parents take the money for Xiao Lei? Will he ask his parents for it?
I once thought that Xu Ye was so kind to me that I would take out one of my bankbook to supplement his daily life. He didnt enjoy too much in the previous marriage, but just paid blindly to his wife and daughter, so I will treat him well. But now I dont think so, and I dont intend to do so. Im afraid that my magnanimity will make Xu ye and his family regard me as a cash machine and will always be generous to withdraw.
In his daughters eyes, Im just an economic pillar
In fact, Xiao Lei has already spent a lot of money. She often asks Xu ye for money and then goes to buy clothes, trinkets and snacks. A 15-year-old girl has to dress up oddly and say its fashion. Xu Ye is too spoiled and submissive to his daughter. Every time Xiaolei reaches out for money, he will give it to him; if he has no money in his hand, he will ask me for it.
In this way, Xiaolei felt that it was certain to ask Xu ye for pocket money, because I was such a strong economic pillar behind her indulgent father. As a result, her demands began to wantonly.
More than once, the head teacher told us that she was worried about Xiao Lei, saying that she did not study hard, but she was good at coming. Moreover, she handed notes and letters to boys in other classes at a young age. Xiao Lei has a little smart phone. When she comes home from school every Saturday, she starts to make phone calls and text messages with her classmates. She keeps in touch very frequently. I once reminded Xu ye that Xiaoleis excessive interpersonal communication was not conducive to her growth. But Xu Ye says she has been like this since primary school. People who are familiar with Xiaolei say that she is too mature. Her eyes do not look like children of this age. She is resourceful and has a bad temper. From time to time, she talks back to Xu ye and says, what do you know? Xu Ye has loved Xiaolei since he was a child. When he divorced his wife, Xiaolei asked to live with him. He loved and connived at Xiaolei even more.
Ive been with Xiao Lei for eight or nine months, but she never called me Mom. She said that she had a sense of distance from me, so its hard to say the word mother. Xiao Leis frankness makes me feel both admiration and sadness. I treat her so well, but she still stands in the distance and refuses to approach me. Perhaps her so-called good evaluation of me is more from my abundant material supply. Only when I buy things for her can I read some warmth in her eyes.
Once, Xiao Lei accidentally left an exercise book at home. When I went to help her clean up the house, I opened her homework book by the way. I was just out of concern to see what she had learned recently. I found an article written by Xiao Lei about her mother. In the article, she no longer seems to blame her mother as before, but has a new understanding of her mother. She thinks her mother is a strong woman. Its not easy for her to live outside alone. In fact, Xiao Leis mother doesnt live alone. She lives with other men outside.
After a period of time, I found that Xiao Lei and her mother talked several times, and also sent messages. Once, when Xiaolei was taking a bath, I accidentally looked through her SMS. She wrote in a message to her mother: Mom, you should be good outside alone. Dont worry about me. I have a good life. If I have no money, I will ask my father. If my father has no money, he will take it from my aunt. Auntie is generous and rich After reading the text message, I felt cold and ashamed. I suddenly felt that I was like a ATM in this home. They came to me to withdraw money when they had no money, but ignored my feelings. I havent officially married Xu ye, his family has been so casual. If they get married in the future, dont they have more sufficient reasons to ask me for money? I feel sad when I think of it. Its not only sad that they are so dependent on my wallet, but also that if I have no money in the future, will Xu ye and his family turn a blind eye to me.
I didnt dare to tell Xu ye that I had read Xiao Leis text message. I was afraid that he would say that I didnt respect my children. Nor did I have the courage to tell Xu ye that he and his family should not regard me as their ATM.
I want to end this relationship, but in the end, I cant convince myself because Xu ye and his family are not bad in nature, and I also long for a perfect family life. Im sitting alone in the dark, reflecting on the relationship between Xu ye and me. I dont know whether to continue to maintain it or to cut off the mess. Xu ye, who is sleeping beside him, seems so satisfied and peaceful. His quiet breath sounds in my ears, which makes me feel calm and panic
Hu Ainong (psychological consultant)
Most people will feel after seeing this case: the heroine is in a very unbalanced state, this imbalance is not only economic, but also psychological.
In fact, we often see some people in a relationship involuntarily over pay, including emotional and economic pay. This kind of payment often becomes a pattern, and the receiving party will not feel that there is anything wrong with it, so they are very accustomed to accepting such payment. This habit is probably due to the potential for emotional satisfaction, and the recipient will think that he has given the other party a corresponding reward. This reminds me of a girl who was consulted. She would not hesitate to buy gifts for them in order to make friends, but in the end, she did not return anything except spending more money. Because it doesnt get respect from the other side. On the contrary, they are more likely to take it for granted. In the balance of mind, money is the least important.
The purpose of money is often very clear, even if the person who gives does not admit that he has such a strong purpose, but the receiver feels so, because in the psychological sense, money has always been used for business. As a result, the transaction will come into being. If you use money to trade, your feelings will not be respected or even despised by the other party. Since its a business relationship, the paying party will naturally measure the amount of return, whether its worthwhile or not. Once you feel that its not worthwhile, the sense of imbalance will rise. As a result, what I thought was the effort to build a relationship had changed its flavor. And because of disdain, those who get it may also involuntarily begin to squeeze. A vicious circle was created.
The distribution and possession of economic benefits in marriage is an unavoidable problem, so it is necessary to know the economic relationship (especially remarriage) and to define the economy and everyones rights and obligations as soon as possible. Its hard to accept that there is a clear line between economy and emotion. However, mixing economy with emotion, especially using economy as a means to exchange emotion, will only lead to imbalance and even to emotional breakdown.