At that time, I forwarded Tucao, why do many parents make complaints about selling their daughters?
Parents always feel that older daughters cant get married without face. They are also advised to endure domestic violence. Because there is no face in divorce, how great is your face? How much happiness do you need to exchange for your daughters lifetime happiness?
Do you care about passers-by a, B, C see your daughter married Phoenix man, domestic violence man will not laugh more fierce? At that time, you had a lot of face?
Here is a ready-made example. Zeng Guofan, who is respected as the first perfect person in history, did not make improper decisions on the marriage of his four daughters, resulting in three people dying of depression under the age of 40, thus becoming the biggest black spot in his life?
Zeng Guofan, as one of the four famous officials in the late Qing Dynasty, has a good reputation in the market.
Zeng Guofan, who is well-known in literature and martial arts, is especially good at running his family. Up to now, Zeng Guofans family letters are still popular books. Zeng Guofans family principles can be summed up in eight words: to manage the family with harmony and to manage the family with diligence.
The key to running a family with harmony is that everyone in the family should pay attention to filial piety. Filial piety means gratitude, respect and support for parents and elders. Fraternity refers to the harmony and friendship between brothers, that is, harmony and harmony between peers. Zeng Guofan believes that the family of filial friends can often last for ten generations and eight generations.
In the education of his five daughters, different from his sons emphasis on knowledge education, Zeng Guofan believed that a woman without talent is virtue. His daughters were trained in the direction of a good wife and a good mother. He personally made a daily homework list for his daughters as follows:
After breakfast, make dishes, snacks, wine sauce and so on, food things;
Already noon, spinning flowers or Jima, clothing things;
After lunch, they do needlework and embroidery;
You Shi, do mens shoes, womens shoes or sewing, rough work.
And said: my family men in reading and writing four words indispensable, women in the coarse food and clothing is indispensable.
The five young ladies of the Zeng family are not arrogant and coquettish under such careful cultivation. They are not the kind of unruly and unreasonable girls on TV, but none of them has died well except Zeng Jifen, the youngest daughter. Why?
Its probably up to Zeng Guofan to carry the pot.
The Zeng familys young ladies completely adhere to the strict family rules of no going out of the gate and no step forward. Their marriage depends on the orders of their parents and the words of matchmakers. They have no possibility of dominating their own destiny.
For them and the women of that time, marriage is the second reincarnation. Whether the future is good or not depends on their parents eyes. They are willing to think about their daughters life-long happiness.
His original intention is very well understood. The political marriage of the right family is easy to make his daughter aggrieved. Appropriately low marriage can make his daughter have more status in his husbands family. The children educated by the family of filial friends and scholars recognized by him can not be wrong, and the family atmosphere is relatively harmonious.
To sum up, Zeng Guofans sons-in-law have the following common characteristics: they are all the children of Zeng Guofans Hunan friends or colleagues; their father-in-law is a man of insight with both virtue and talent; their sons-in-law have passed Zeng Guofans interview, which can be described as knowing the root and the bottom.
It seems that Zeng Guofan has been interested in choosing his son-in-law. How could the final result be so tragic?
Listen to me slowly.
At that time, yuan Bingzhen, Yuan Fangyings eldest son, was smart and likable. Zeng Guofan thought that it was a good son-in-law to be 80 at the age of three, so he fell in love with Yuan Fangying.
However, what Zeng Guofan didnt expect was that Yuan Fangying was good at collecting books, but he was shorter than teaching his children. When yuan Bingzhen grew up, he not only did not like reading, but also developed a morbid aversion to his fathers book collection.
Yuan Fangying died as governor of Songjiang. At that time, both yuan Bingzhen and Zeng Jijing were 18 years old and had not yet been married. However, yuan Bingzhens reputation of not liking the elegant records of old books, keeping five buildings closed and not asking questions for years has spread.
If yuan Bingzhen didnt read books, others would come to make up his mind. Yuan Bingzhen had a hobby of drinking and gambling, so someone invited him to drink and gamble. When he was in debt, he used books as collateral. Yuan Bingzhen found the value of his books. The next year, he rented a boat carrying hundreds of boxes of books to Wuhan for auction.
Li Shengduo, a famous scholar in the late Qing Dynasty, called the prosperity of Yuans collection unprecedented in 200 years, which his father spent his whole life collecting.
In order to improve his personal face and reputation, he still let his eldest daughter marry into the yuan family after the period of filial piety.
After Zeng Jijing married into yuan family, he found that yuan Bingzhens bad behavior was not only gambling and drinking. Before she entered the house, he had concealed the Zeng familys unmarried and married a concubine first. This was a joke and a shame in the aristocratic family at that time.
As you can see from a dream of Red Mansions, before Jia Baoyu married a real wife, Xiren, who was married to him, was not a decent aunt, but just a housemaid. As for whether she could become a real concubine, it still depends on his wifes face. Before marriage, Jia Lians housemaid was chased and sold by Wang Xifeng. In the end, only the peace brought by Wang Xifeng was left Son.
Although she is a member of Sister Fengs own, she is still very careful to please her.
As for Xue pan, who first married Xiangling as a concubine without taking a proper wife, for one thing, the Xue family was only a merchant and a merchant, which was not a noble family. Secondly, Xue pan was a devil who cheated men and women by breaking the rules, and he was able to do such a thing.
Yuan Bingzhen, also known as Xue pan, was alive and well. He was not satisfied with his concubine. He often went out to sleep in the flowers and willows. He carried out cold violence in marriage against Zeng Jijing, and basically did not go to her room. She had never been pregnant.
Zeng Jijing had to cry to her brother Zeng Jize about her experience. Zeng also told Zeng Guofan that Zeng Guofan was very interested in it. In his letter to Ji Ze on May 24, the first year of Tongzhi, he specially discussed how to educate the son-in-law. He said:
You Xin was very worried about Yuans son-in-law, but I didnt expect that his study was so bad that I regarded him as a religious believer today, but it was not appropriate for you to show too much trace at home.
We should not neglect the courtesy of Yuans son-in-law.
Zeng Guofan considered from two aspects. First, as an elder, he could write to teach.
Secondly, the family should not show any trace and take care of their decency. After all, they are the children of the aristocratic family. Decency still needs to be taken into consideration. If you give him face, he will not be too disorderly.
Whats more, at the beginning of a mistake, there is always a sense of repentance, so people have to respect him. Otherwise, if the evil behavior is exposed, it will be shameless, and the so-called broken pot will be irreparable.
If it doesnt work, Zeng Guofan continued in his letter that if he doesnt change his mind for a long time, he will be able to teach in WANYING in the future.
Zeng Guofan decided to discipline the son-in-law by himself. He thought that his educational methods and ideas had always been successful, and it was not difficult to help his son-in-law to turn back.
As a result, yuan Bingzhen hit Zeng Guofan in the face.
Since you dont like reading, go to work! Zeng Guofan has never been a dead scholar. He thinks that doing practical things is also a way to temper peoples will. Since Yuan Bingzhen likes to deal with people, he teaches students in accordance with his aptitude, and arranges his son-in-law to work in Xuzhou food station, allowing him to participate in practice.
However, according to Zeng Guofans diary on February 9, the fourth year of Tongzhis reign, Yuans son-in-law, relying on his being Zeng Guofans son-in-law, forcibly granted private houses, and there were many prostitutes. He openly occupied private houses and prostituted prostitutes, making the three corpse gods of his father-in-law violently.
Cant Zeng Guofan always beat his son-in-law? The so-called punishment does not go to the doctor, so he beat his servants a few hundred sticks, and gave him a prostitute palm several hundred, killed chickens to show monkeys.
After hearing about his father-in-laws disposal, yuan Bingzhen, instead of being frightened, fought with his death and committed suicide by swallowing opium that night.
Zeng Guofans diary on the second day said: I heard that Yuans son-in-law took opium smoke yesterday night, and his nails were blue. His son-in-law used medicine to rescue him. It was not until Shen Ke vomited twice that he took a change.
After this change, the son-in-laws behavior was somewhat restrained. On the 14th of that month, accompanied by his wife and others, he apologized to his father-in-law and said that he was willing to make a new life. Zeng Guofan also felt less relieved for it and wrote the matter in his diary.
However, it is easy to change the nature, but it is difficult to change his nature. Zeng Guofans good intentions, in return for despair.
Zeng Guofan gave an account of the final outcome of Yuans son-in-law in his letter to his family
When Qu was unmarried, he married a concubine first. He did not live in Jinling. He did not pay a new years visit. He neither recognized his wife nor his wifes family. I will never be able to.
Yuan Bingzhen had a deficit of 600 taels of official silver to spend money on wine and wine, which offended Zeng Guofan, who was proud of his honesty and integrity. Looking back on the mistakes yuans son-in-law had made in marrying a concubine, refusing to recognize his wifes family and wife, he decided to break off the relationship with the son-in-law and never contact him when he died of old age.
Do you think Zeng Jijing escaped from the fire? did not.
At the end of the letter, Zeng Guofan wrote a judgment on the fate of the eldest daughter: the eldest daughter is sent to yuan house in Xiangtan, and cant be taken to Fu Di again. Teach her how to be a woman.
He can deny yuan Bingzhen, the son-in-law, but he still wants to recognize that his daughter is the daughter-in-law of the yuan family. He asked his son to send the eldest daughter back to Yuans family. He could not take him back to Zengs home in Fudi, Xiangxiang. He wanted his eldest daughter to do his womanism.
Zeng Guofan could not fail to understand what kind of life his eldest daughter was facing when he returned to Yuans family. However, he thought that this was the reasonable way to live. The fate of a woman should be like this: from her father at home, from her husband when she gets married, and from her son when she is old..
In Yu Ji Ze (August 4th, the second year of Tongzhi), he talked about his expectations for his daughters: women should not love their mothers family, and be careful not to attach importance to the mothers family but despise the husbands family.
The eldest daughter is supposed to be filial to the yuan familys maid. She should not have come to Anqing with her. Since Yusheng is here, I have never written to stop the eldest daughters journey.
Every time I see a married woman who is greedy for her mothers wealth and wealth and forgets her Weng Gu, there will be no benefit afterwards.
The daughters of Yu family should be taught to be filial to Weng Gu and respect their husbands. They should be careful not to attach importance to their mothers family but to their husbands family, so as to give effect to the bad habits of a small family.
According to Zeng Guofans values, the married daughter is the water poured out. Originally, the eldest daughter should not come to the Liangjiang governors house in Anqing with Yuans son-in-law. Instead, he should serve his mother-in-law in Yuans family to fulfill his filial piety. Whats more, after Yuans son-in-law was driven back to Yuans family?
After returning to her husbands house, Zeng Jijing, 25, was confronted with the cold violence of her husband and the yuan family. After many unsuccessful attempts to write home for help, Zeng Jijing died of depression at the age of 29. Before his death, yuan Bingzhen did not even go out to see her for the last time.
But I dont think she wants to see him either.
Zeng Jiyao, Zeng Guofans second daughter, married Chen Yuanji, Zeng Guofans adopted son, when she was 18. Chen Songshengs father, Chen yuanyan, was Zeng Guofans best friend. He was not only a fellow townsman, but also a Jinshi in the reform movement of 1898. At the same time, he was selected as a scholar in the Imperial Academy. The two families have always been friendly. Chen Yuanjis parents died when he was young, so Zeng Guofan watched him grow up.
According to Zeng Jifens Chongde old mans self-made Chronicle, there are some people who are not suitable for Zhongs married life, but they are obedient and have no resentment
After that, Zeng Jize went to England to take his brother-in-law as his assistant, and took his wife to England. Finally, Zeng Jiyao, 39, died in a strange land. Zeng Jifen summed up the short life of the second sister with the words of life of depression, happiness of no living people and peoples sorrow.
The fate of Zeng Jichen, the third daughter, was even worse. She married Luo Yunji, the son of Luo Zenan, the famous God of war in Hunan army. Luo Zenan rushed to attack Wuchang City to fight back Zeng Guofan, who was trapped in the battle, and died in the battle, which made Luo Yunji lose his father early.
Out of guilt for his friends and compensation for the Luo family, Zeng Guofan made a marriage to the two families. This is the third time that Zeng Guofan married his daughter because of his fathers strong ability, good character and good friendship with him. However, the marriage was even more unsuccessful.
Because Luo Yunji lost his fathers instruction early, he was raised by a woman and became a manic man.
After her husband died, she doted on the only child. Luo Yunji grew up in doting and had a violent temper. If he had any requirements, he must immediately satisfy them, otherwise he would make a lot of trouble.
The son is so, the mother-in-law is more difficult to get along with.
Zeng Jifen said that the third sisters mother-in-law was quite fierce and allowed her daughter-in-law to abuse her daughter-in-law by letting her own toilet.
Its hard to imagine that the biological daughter of one of the most beautiful powerful officials in the Qing Dynasty was abused by her mother-in-law, who was born in a concubines room, to wash the toilet, and even the maid beside her could abuse her.
Luos son-in-law is surly and can be considered with Yuans son-in-law, but this is nothing to do. I dont know if I was cruel and unreasonable before my third daughter?
You should earnestly ask three younger sister to be submissive and respectful, and there should be no disobedience.
My family is a scholar and an official. We should warn the elder sister and the third sister to be patient and obedient.
I have a very thin dowry for all the girls, but I will help them to raise them. At present, the Chen family is in a bit of distress, while the yuan family and Luo family are not worried about poverty. Er Zhun advised the younger sisters to be able to work hard and bear the spirit.
I have served the officials for many years, and I often work hard on the four words patience.
The main meaning of this letter is that even if the son-in-law is a devil like Xue pan, my daughters should never be shrewd Xia Jingui, but should be submissive and gentle Xiangling. They should not easily say a word of defiance to her husband.
However, he did not teach his daughters these fighting skills. He only allowed them to endure the abuse of their mother-in-law and her husband. Sure enough, the fate of these daughters will be the same as that of Xiangling.
Ji Chen lived cautiously in the Luo family until she was more than 50 years old. In order to fulfill the womanhood, she gave Luo Yunji a concubine before her son was brought up. After Luo Yunjis early death, Ji Chen remained in the Luo family as a widow to serve her mother-in-law.
The fourth daughter, Zeng Jichun, married Guo Yiyong, the son-in-law of Guo Songtao. The son-in-law is excellent in character and knowledge, inheriting the fine qualities of his father. Unfortunately, he is in poor health and died at the age of 21.
His mother was Guo Songtaos concubine. She was mean and mean. She was hostile to Zeng Jichun. Zeng Jifen said that the fourth elder sister had a solar eclipse of coarse rice. She only took vegetable radish as food. She was also stingy with her monthly expenses. Its hard to see.
After that, Zeng Jichun raised two young children alone in the family of the evil mother-in-law. He was fed and fed all day, and died at the age of 35.
Zeng Guofan once regretted in his later years, saying, I am ashamed that others say I can look at people, but my son-in-law has not been selected, and I am ashamed to talk about how to see people.
In his diary, he mentioned his state of mind when he learned of the sad news of his eldest daughters death: he received Li Shaoquans letter and learned that his eldest daughter, Shi Yuan, died in late September Unexpectedly, there was a change of Yuans daughter among her daughters. Her old age was decadent and could not bear to be sad.
Mr. Tang Haoming summed up Zeng Guofans tragedy of marrying a daughter to three points: first, Zeng Guofan chose not his son-in-law but his in laws; second, he could not repent once he was married; third, he could not remarry when his husband died.
It can be said that Zeng Guofan caused the tragedy of his four daughters, but he can not be completely blamed.
But what Zeng Guofan didnt know was that what really made the Chinese stand up was not the Western technology, but the advanced ideas. Only when Cheng Zhu Neo Confucianism stopped harming human nature, could peoples thoughts progress, society develop and the country be powerful.
Therefore, when he arrived at the marriage of his youngest daughter Zeng Jifen, Zeng Guofan showed a rare openness. He no longer made a babys father-in-law, and no longer chose his son as his son-in-law because he valued his father. Instead, he was determined to choose a five good son-in-law with good personality, good knowledge, good family background, good father-in-law and good physique.
At last, Zeng Guofan chose Nie Jimo, a Hengyang native, for his daughter. Nies son-in-law had been strictly taught by his parents since he was a child. Although his father was not of high birth and his official son did not do much, he was recognized by Zeng Guofan with his own ability.
Zeng Jifen married Nies family at the age of 24. Before her marriage, her father, mother and Nie Jimos father all passed away. The couple lost their fathers shadow. They struggled on their own, but they lived happily ever before.
Nie Jimo served successively as Zhejiang inspector, Jiangsu Provincial envoy, Anhui governor, Zhejiang governor, and so on. Later, Nie Juai, who was not an official, began to do business and cultivate crops in Dongting Lake area, accumulating abundant capital. In 1908, he bought a textile company with 32000 taels of silver and became a famous national capitalist in early modern times. His son Nie Qijie became president of Shanghai General Chamber of Commerce in 1920. Nies family played an important role in Shanghais industrial and commercial circles.
Zeng Jifen lived to the age of 90 and was named Chongde old man in her later years. She and her husband had a very close relationship. She had 11 children, nine of whom were born to her. Before her death in 1942, there were more than 100 people in the same hall.
It can be said that the price of Zeng Jifens happiness is too high. Her father, Mr. Zeng Guofan, used the marriage of his four daughters to practice, and summed up the key to success in marrying his daughter: dont use the face problem of his father to influence the marriage of his children. The marriage of children is not used to meet the wishes of their parents, but the way to get happiness.
Isnt it the parents greatest wish for their children to have a happy life? Forcing them to get married, forcing them to have children, watching their miserable expressions, do you get pleasure from it?
You have the right to decide what kind of life you want and what kind of life you dont want. As long as you are financially independent and have a sound personality, you should not hand over your own destiny to others, even to your closest relatives.
After all, its not the person who forces you to make a decision, but yourself.
Zeng Guofan and the great changes in the late Qing Dynasty by Liu Xuyi, Jiuzhou publishing house, October 2015
Zhang Hongjie, the front and side of Zeng Guofan 2: Zeng Guofans family letter and Zeng family culture, Yuelu publishing house, February 2017