As a mother, I have a secret I cant tell my children

category:Lady
 As a mother, I have a secret I cant tell my children


But some mothers really feel like they dont love their children.

Does a mother naturally ask to love her children and love them in a conventional way?

If this is not the case, it will be criticized by the outside world and suffering from the heart?

Today, I would like to recommend a story about a newborn mother shark.

After listening to her story, you may find that the so-called no love has another reason.

This article is reprinted from sandwich (ID: china30s)

Why dont you go back to work early. I think its hard for you to stay at home.

One day, three months after little pomelo was born, I nestled on the sofa and brushed wechat. My mother said, but I still hope you understand the importance of family. When I was young, in order to have more time to stay at home with you, I didnt fight for many chances of promotion and salary increase, but now I think its worth it.

Slap yourself in the face and take back what you said! In more than 20 years, Ive never seen my father scold me like this. My mothers face turned red with anger, Ill never say that again!

I wont take it back! I just dont have maternal love! I dont deserve to be a mother! I shouldnt have given him birth! I regret it!

I finally said what I really felt, but I didnt know how to face it in the future. I just felt that the huge black hole in my heart hissed and breathed cold air.

And in the black hole, I dare not gaze into the abyss.

When the physiological period does not come once a quarter, I look at other girls with dysmenorrhea, their faces pale and sweaty, and I envy them secretly. At least they are normal women.

The doctor used oral contraceptives and blood sugar control drugs to help me regulate my hormone levels, but as soon as I stopped taking the pills, my hormones soon got abnormal again.

Several times I woke up to find that the physiological period automatically came, ecstatic. After a round of examination, the doctor said that although there was bleeding, there was no effective ovulation.

After several years of repetition, an expert told me: its better to come back when you want to have children. We can take some measures to help you get pregnant, but natural pregnancy is basically impossible.

Almost all the experts of this disease are in the infertility clinic. I have sat in the noisy corridor and waited for nurses to call. I have witnessed several families who have successfully given birth to children to bring the old and the young to the hospital to send the banner. However, most of them are waiting in line like me, with faces of envy and anxiety.

At that time, I was still studying in University. I left my hometown with a full scholarship and came to a big city. The whole grand World unfolded gradually in front of me with charming possibilities.

And from the conversations among my friends, I learned something I didnt expect to learn at that age. For example, there is an injection that can promote ovulation, increase the probability of pregnancy, and even legend can make it easier to conceive twins.

For example, IVF does not produce a baby from the laboratory as I have intended. Instead, it takes out sperm and eggs first, and then puts the embryo into the uterus

And these need money in 10000 units, time in units of years, and the hope of the whole family.

I said, I never want to go back to that noisy corridor, like those women who ask for children, to throw down all my life just to gamble on the arrival of a stranger.

I said, it means we wont have children, and if youre really running to get married with me, you have to think about it.

After a month, he came to me with a ring. He said that it would be very good for people to understand their own life, and the childrens affairs were fate, not forced.

He is indeed a man who keeps his promise. After marriage, he never mentions the birth of a baby. He even lobbied with my parents that we would plan for the future from now on. Even if we didnt raise children, we could take good care of our old age.

You see, maternal love is not maternal love, it is not important at all.

Until one afternoon in the fourth year of marriage, when I finished the third bag of plum while meeting, my close colleague wechat me: do you have it? I went to the drugstore in silence and bought a box of pregnancy test sticks to prove that I was just a food.

Continuous measurement of three, looking at the clear incomparable six bars, my first reaction is: I am not uterine lesions?

The next day I asked for leave to go to the hospital and found a small pomelo.

B ultrasound showed that the fetus had a heartbeat.

But Ive been diagnosed with polycystic ovary before, and I havent been cured. Before seeing the doctor, I said that I couldnt have conceived it myself. I couldnt believe it. I confirmed it to the obstetrician.

Did you hear the doctor? He is a miracle! G held my hand tightly and grinned with excitement.

I reluctantly smile, but in my heart I feel inexpressible discomfort, and even a faint feeling of betrayal - it turns out that after all, G is looking forward to a child.

Its awkward. Since the child has already arrived, Im going to do a good job in this project. Just like the project on work, who cant boast about it if I sign my name?

A superb collection of beautiful things is arranged in the schedule of my pregnant mothers class. I have collected the official account numbers and books, and set up a daily reminder alarm clock for my eyes. I also bought three times a weeks fitness class.

Despite a change of camp, G is still a good ally.

He took home a big bag of encyclopedia books from the library, accompanied me to the hospital to listen to the pregnant mother class, and took out a small book to take notes conscientiously. From Lamaze breathing to Kegel exercise, from pregnant womens dietary pyramid to neonatal care points

I have no doubt that if you give him a womb, he can even have a baby by himself.

All efforts were not in vain.

I gradually became the study committee member in the group of pregnant mothers. I worked as usual with little grapefruit. My back was straight, my steps were light, my mind was clear, and I was full of air. There was no pressure on my coat before pregnancy.

And my favorite compliment: you dont look like a pregnant woman at all. You seem calm.

At 10 weeks of gestation, I first heard the fetal heart sound like a little teak train. I only care about the value not in the normal range mentioned in the book. On the contrary, I feel that G is ecstatic at the door. I hear it, I hear it. its a little bit of a fuss.

20 weeks pregnant, for the first time, I felt the fetal movement of grapefruit. He seemed to be timidly knocking on the door to attract my attention. At that time, I finally felt that there was another connected individual in my body.

I heard from other pregnant mothers that they had a wonderful relationship with the fetus, so I talked to little grapefruit, but he went his own way and didnt communicate with me.

You may have done your homework so well that you dont make a fuss. No one has no maternal love, even if not now, there will be later. They comforted me with a smile.

I think thats the answer.

Is it not like the fetus in my womb, as long as you give me time, you can grow up naturally without any effort?

I was in the hospital crying and queuing while waiting for G to come to me, and then cried to report to the ward.

Its OK. The TA is just a little small. Everything else is normal. The previous birth inspection was very good. G hugged me and comforted me.

Lets check the problem first and see if he can catch up. If a course of treatment is still too small, it will be born in advance, and the baby will be full-term. Dont worry too much, mom. The bed doctor explained to me gently.

But I suddenly found that, compared with the worry about little grapefruit, I was more reluctant to learn from diet to exercise, and strictly planned and strictly implemented. In the end, I was not a mother to be with 100 points.

There were four pregnant women in the maternity ward, including me.

Bed 1 is a sign of preterm birth, and must stay in bed except for going to the toilet.

No. 2 bed old pregnancy and gestational hyperglycemia, 9 times a day prick finger blood sugar, finger without skin, and always feel that did not eat enough, but to control diet.

As soon as the foot of No.3 bed touches the ground, the contractions begin. Eating and drinking are all on the bed.

In contrast, bed No. 4, that is to say, I take an injection every day and infuse a large bag of nutrient solution, which makes me move freely without any taboo.

The days in the ward are regular, monotonous and long.

I heard the three of them complain two minutes ago that the nutritious food is not delicious, some medicine cant hurt their bodies, they cant take a shower and feel that they stink

Two minutes later, the voice was soft and soft, and with a smile, he talked about the little life that was connected by blood but never met, as if the sun was shining into the ward.

They talked about the objects prepared for their children, that one part of the child should be like a mother, the other part most like a father, and the trouble of naming a child: there are so many beautiful Chinese characters, each of which is so good, and each one seems not good enough.

I tried to talk to each other, but I suddenly found that I didnt seem to have tried to imagine the appearance of the little pomelo. I didnt talk and sing with little pomelo every day, and I didnt ponder over the name of the little pomelo

Im more like a project manager, pushing this project step by step, just like other projects in my work.

Quietly stroking his heart, there seems to be something missing.

But I hold a gap, indifferent, alienated.

The condition of bed 1 was improved and discharged home for recuperation.

And No. 3 bed finally held up until the baby can be safely born, stopped the birth control needle and transferred to the waiting area.

The ward emptied.

I watched the discharge of bed 1 with tears in my eyes.

But No. 2 bed obviously can be discharged from hospital, but he still refuses to do so. The hardware of this hospital is ordinary, but the technology is good. Dont you think its safer to live in a hospital? If theres anything, Ill be taken upstairs to the operating room for an autopsy. If come from home again, how does the baby lack oxygen on the way?

Youre really thoughtful about the baby. I exclaimed.

Isnt that what happens to moms? Besides, this pregnancy is my only chance! She told me that in order to have a baby, she had been treating for nearly 10 years and spent hundreds of thousands of money on making test tubes. She had been defeated and defeated again and again. This time, she was in sight, and she had to be absolutely safe.

I looked at her in surprise. For the convenience of cleaning in the hospital, the hair of bed 2 was cut very short, her face was a little puffy, her lips and eyebrows were dim. She was quite different from a capable woman with fine full make-up on her wechat head picture and meticulous in medium and long hair.

In fact, why do you spell it like this? In that noisy corridor more than ten years ago, I wanted to ask those stubborn women around me. But I was shy and embarrassed to ask such a private question. I didnt expect to have a chance to ask the winner among them.

Bed 2 was laughing, and her eyes were covered with gentle lines. In fact, I used to think that it was OK not to marry without children. Later, I met my husband. His family passed away early. Sometimes I felt that he was an orphan. I thought that I must give him a blood related relative.

In this world, there has never been unreasonable love and unreasonable persistence.

I also suddenly began to miss Mr. g, who was willing to accompany me with DINK and my birth examination. I never asked him if there was a child in his imagination for the rest of his life.

The doctor suspected that there might be some problems with the placenta, leading to insufficient nutrition supply and the risk of hypoxia, so they decided not to let the small pomelo come out without waiting for it to start naturally.

Then there was a three-day induction of labor, balloon dilatation of the cervix, uterine contraction needle caused uterine contraction, artificial rupture of water to promote the fall of fetal head, combined with multiple internal examinations

I have lost one of the legendary casks for the whole family.

At 3:30 in the morning of the Lantern Festival, little grapefruit was born. He was a little boy. As expected, he looked like a little old man, just like a three-dimensional B-ultrasound photo.

Cry like a little duck, quack quack. Wearing protective clothing to accompany the production of g more than ten hours of grain rice did not enter, behind the mask, said: you are really our SSR!

The nurse put him on my chest. I saw little Grapefruits wrinkled face in black, red and red. His eyes had not been opened. There were two thin seams with white fetal fat.

The nurses aunt pressed her head to help him hold my nipple. For a moment, I was nervous and resisted.

He took two perfunctory puffs and ignored me.

This is the same as the book says, out of the wonderful instinct of the baby, he takes the initiative to explore his mothers nipple, and sucks it up with one mouthful. What a difference.

And this is just the beginning of my breast-feeding nightmare for more than a month.

The mammary ducts are too thin. There are so few mammary pores. Its hard to do. Said the masticator, wringing his eyebrows as he helped me dredge and discharge milk.

Before the breast was opened, she said it would take about 40 minutes to finish. At last, it took me more than an hour to make my breast smooth.

Breast feeding or sucking once every two hours, with an interval of no more than three hours. Otherwise, its easy for you to block the milk. It will be very troublesome to have another fever during the epidemic. She said. But Im still milking.

It hurts.

Dont be afraid. The more afraid you are, the less successful you will be. You should enjoy breastfeeding with love for your baby.

When sucking, you can also smell the babys clothes and see his or her pictures. You know, a lot of people hear babies cry when theyre hungry, and theyre going to have a milk fight.

You see the baby drunk after drinking milk. Its really cute. I saw it and felt that, no matter how hard it was, I would feed it to at least one year old.

Little grapefruit was hungry again and cried.

I silently recited the advice given to me by the lactation master and other mothers. I closed my eyes and clenched my teeth, feeling love for my baby and putting my nipples into his mouth.

The little grapefruit, who was just over five Jin old, bit with his eyes closed and managed to squeeze it in. His sucking power was weak, and his gills were agitated. But after two minutes of sucking, he slowed down, his breathing slowed down and he was too tired to sleep.

I rubbed his ears and scratched the soles of his feet to wake him up and continue to suck.

After a few rounds, the little grapefruit finally got angry and bit me angrily. The toothless mouth actually hurt.

I hissed from my teeth, looked down at the small face, jaundice is serious, black and yellow, narrow eyes, nose

I cant boast of loveliness by feeling my conscience.

I tossed back and forth for forty minutes, and my back was sore and my neck was aching.

G has already been hot, before using the sucking machine to suck out the frozen milk, took the grapefruit to bottle feeding.

He held the bottle in one mouth, gulped and puffed. He thought that the pro feeding he had just given was probably lonely.

Maybe for him, Im not a mother, but a strange creature who stops his mouth when hes hungry.

In a different place, I took out the sucking machine and started to continue sucking. The lactation and sucking modes were switched. I looked down at the transparent funnel-shaped cup and sucked the chest into a strange shape.

Half an hour later, only dozens of milliliters.

I would like to refrigerate this breast milk and give the sucking machine to the nurse to clean and disinfect.

Before rest, but also to the color blood red as if about to break the nipple smeared with Lanolin Cream, to prevent chaps.

I look down at my chest, indeed, breast-feeding chest than before pregnancy will be very significantly larger, but it is ugly, heavy, deformed, very strange.

Stop playing with your cell phone. Go to sleep. When I lay down with my cell phone in my hand, G patted me.

I know, little grapefruit will cry again after a while.

Day and night, as if the cycle would never end.

This reminds me of the legendary means of extorting confessions. You are not allowed to sleep. If you take a nap, you will be forced to wake up, and eventually you will collapse.

I cant sleep. At last, I said, I feel like a mother without maternal love.

No, no, No. Hes older. You can be strict with him. G said jokingly.

No, you dont understand. I have been very hard, others love their baby, only I think he is so ugly. Other people look at the baby, think of the baby, listen to the baby cry, will have the feeling of secretion of milk, I try to feel, really not I couldnt control myself and burst into tears. what can I do? Im scared when I see him. I dont really have maternal love for him

Then we will not feed. G said simply, he grew up drinking milk powder.

No, its not about feeding or not, I sobbed obstinately. I think its me. I dont have maternal love.

Its just not breastfeeding. Breast milk is good, but its really not that important. Youre still a good mom. Gs voice was soft and firm, and I was moved.

But apart from that, my heart is different from others. I have a hole in my heart. Whats worse, I dont know how to fill it.

At the end of the month, I was weaned and came home with the grapefruit.

Sleep in January, make trouble in February, little grapefruit perfectly confirms the old saying, because flatulence makes the world dark.

Gs maternity leave has already ended. She has to go to work during the day and can only take care of me in the middle of the night.

In the second half of the night, there are usually 2-3 times of night milk. After feeding the night milk, we usually have to let him lie on my body for more than an hour, humming and patting, until the meat balls in my arms breathe slowly and sleep soundly.

Sometimes from three or four oclock in the morning to more than seven oclock in the morning, I picked it up again after countless failures in putting out the bed. Hum song made my voice sound like a thin shell. When I looked out of the window, I found that the morning sun would make people feel so desperate.

Several times when I put him back in the crib and got up to wash the bottle, I felt black in front of me, but I had a vague hope that I would die suddenly.

In sharp contrast, my parents.

Looking forward to many years of grandson finally appeared in front of them holding a small grapefruit.

From sucking to burping, from bathing to sleeping, from changing diapers to exhausting exercise, they are all smiling, and you fight for me.

In their eyes, little grapefruit suckling is good at eating, burping is very strong, crying is voice is really big, arms and legs are really strong, farting is really capable, even the poop is how can he exert so much force! So much!

I didnt have to sleep at night, and I couldnt sleep during the day. I was in a daze and silent.

After the second month, little grapefruit is becoming more and more lively. According to the parenting book and parenting lesson, to make children feel the development of integration ability well, we need to let them feel weightlessness, acceleration and deceleration, feel the feeling of force, see, listen and touch things of different materials.

To make childrens sports ability develop well, we need to lie down more, touch more and exercise passively.

So I set a time to chat with little grapefruit, talk about cards, sing childrens songs, play with his sheets, swing, buy him a fitness rack, and massage him 100 times a day

Little grapefruit is becoming more and more flexible and strong. He answers with me in his own language. He grabs the toy and pulls the fitness rack to shake left and right. When he lies down, his neck stands upright and stable. He looks around and even pedals his legs to climb forward.

However, after finishing the task of today, I just want to let him play or sleep by himself, so that I can read my own books, pursue my own plays and brush my own circle of friends.

And parents cant wait to take the grapefruit away and play with it.

They made all kinds of strange sounds, made faces, sang songs of that era, and made little grapefruit laugh.

Their mobile phones are full of photos and videos of grapefruit. Obviously, so many of them are similar, but they are reluctant to delete one.

Whenever her mother needed to do some housework, she would kiss little grapefruit and say, grandma is going to do housework. I really hate it. I really want to play with our little pomelo all the time.!

Memory through time and space, I suddenly vaguely remember many years ago, my mother to go to work, put me in my grandmothers house, she also hugged me to kiss a stop: mom really reluctant, but mother to go to work to earn money!

I never seem to have the urge to kiss a grapefruit.

Will you kiss the baby? I asked other treasure mothers in wechat group. Yes! Baby body has milk fragrance, but sometimes vomit milk and a little sour smell. The parenting book says you cant kiss, but I just remember not to allow others to kiss. I cant help it, ha ha. u300du2026u2026

At this time, I suddenly noticed that, I dont know when, everyone has changed the group nickname into XX Mom. Only my wechat name has not changed, but it seems a little abrupt.

The hole in the heart becomes bigger, and the whole heart goes down all the time.

I once saw a talk about the rich and the poor in families in the wonderful flowers. A tutor said a paragraph to the effect that we have never been comparing the poor but loving families with the rich but not loving the children, which is more conducive to the growth of children, because children must be loved, and this does not need to be discussed.

I had anticipated numerous difficulties on the road, but I never thought I would be trapped in this no need to discuss pit.

Little grapefruit more than four months, a social news spread all over Baoma group, a mother due to postpartum depression with her child jumped from upstairs.

I sigh with the stream on my mouth, but I feel a little shiver in my heart.

In those dizzy but holding the tearful grapefruit can not put down in the early morning, in those families fall asleep only I toss and turn the midnight, once also had the dark idea to flash: big deal

So, is that depression?

Depression has always been a neglected topic in my preparation for pregnancy.

I am so confident that I am financially independent and do not reach out to others. I have learned so much about parenting. I have my own parents to take care of me. I am far away from the conflicts between my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. I have a considerate team mate. How can I be depressed?

I found the Edinburgh Postpartum Depression Scale.

I had done this scale in the hospital, but I had just experienced childbirth, and I was confused and didnt know what I had filled in.

There are only 10 questions in the scale, which I finished in less than a minute. The words of the questions are a little eye-catching. While I do it, I feel that something is abnormal.

12 points.

I took a deep breath and looked down at the results. I needed to see a doctor for 13 minutes. Before I knew it, I was standing on the edge of the abyss.

Imagine a dwarf sitting on your shoulder. To look at behavior and whats behind it.

When you are faced with dangerous thoughts, you should prioritize. First solve the present, ensure personal safety, and then accept the existence of emotions, and finally explore solutions.

The night is still, I listen to Li Songweis psychological counseling class, trying to self-help. My mind slowly replays all kinds of things in the past year.

G is right. The arrival of grapefruit is a miracle.

But the miracle also means that its not the result of my conscious choice.

From this, I have a deep fear: will the original I die and be replaced by mother grapefruit?

The breathing light of mobile phone flickers on the bedside table. I press the light screen to see the lively life in the working group.

Yes, even during my six months of maternity leave, I unconsciously didnt set my work group to be undisturbed.

With my fingers sliding, I saw a series of wonderful activity photos and gags, the bosss red envelope, and the cheering of colleagues

It turns out that during my pregnancy, the new project that I worked hard on finally landed in the hands of my little partner.

I once joked that this project is like the brother of grapefruit, and my other child. Now when I see this child coming to the world, he is very happy and happy, but I cant help worrying about whether or not my energy and my value will be discounted when I return to the workplace.

Are you coming back to work next month? My colleague asked me on wechat, is it wonderful to take a half year off? Is there any lactation leave next? I heard that I can leave work one hour earlier every day? I really dont know how to answer. After struggling for a long time, I returned with a ha ha ha expression.

I should be grateful for welfare, but the pressure that comes with it cannot be avoided.

I saw that my classmates who used to learn dance in spare time with me had become part-time teachers and began to take students. I saw that the studio where I had studied color lead had moved to another place, and my pre pregnancy exercise was still hung on the wall by the teacher

Maybe the screen is too bright. G murmured and turned over.

Looking at his familiar outline, I remember the man who said five years ago that it would be good for a man to understand his life.

So, when can I find the real maternal love for grapefruit from the heart?

I dont know.

Maybe I cant find little grapefruit until shes grown up and independent.

Maybe Ill settle for other ways of getting along with each other and name it after maternal love. Ill be a little bit of a maverick mom.

After all, who can say clearly, what is maternal love?

I never want to know this little grapefruit secret.

Because being born without being loved is cruel and unfair to anyone.

But I would like to confess this secret to him.

Because after many years, maybe little grapefruit will also become a father, so I hope he knows that apart from the sunny and colorful side, there is also a potential emotional abyss of biting people.

-END-

Illustrations like father and son

Every childs arrival is a surprise

Every mother has made great efforts for this

But sometimes mothers who have just given birth

There will be some changes in mood

I dont know how to feel and express love

Have you ever had a moment like this?

Wait for you in the comments section