Xiong Ling: will you keep your marriage for the children

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 Xiong Ling: will you keep your marriage for the children


Next, the question is: can this be achieved? Is it really good for childrens mental health to keep a disappointed marriage? In fact, not necessarily, because there are various problems behind this decisionu2014u2014

First, the trap of love. The trap of love is something parents dont realize. Parents starting point is because they love their children. Choosing to keep marriage is a means (form). Childrens healthy growth is a good wish. It is doubtful that the form of love can achieve good wishes? There are many ways to love children. Many parents dont know which ways can make children feel loved and how to love their children to make them grow up healthily. It is the great doting of parents that they would rather endure the misfortune of marriage than let their children be unhappy, and sacrifice the happiness of two people for the happiness of children.

Second, you want to love but dont understand the dilemma of love. Those who keep marriage for their children have an unconscious personality weakness: over sensitivity and dependence. Why? Because they are so insecure: they cant face the pain of their childrens separation from their parents, and they cant bear the guilt that their divorce may hurt their children. In a sense, this is a manifestation of incompetence, a kind of selfless love hidden selfishness. Keeping marriage gives children a complete home and avoids their personality weakness. At the same time, it also satisfies their unconscious dependence complex. Because children are around, they can meet their attachment to children and their emotional needs. Feeling emotional connection can compensate for the lack of marriage connection. If they cant build their own marriage well, can they believe that keeping their marriage will make their children healthy and happy?

Third, there are motives and crises hidden. If you dont divorce for the sake of children, your marriage is there, but it looks like you are apart; if you are at home, there are cracks. Part of the original intention of parents may have been realized, that is, in the eyes of outsiders, the child is a family complete child, and is happy, thus avoiding the discrimination that the child of a single parent family is very poor and unfortunate -- in this society, many people judge childrens happiness and misfortune by whether they have complete parents. Parents can tolerate their own misfortune, but they must not tolerate their childrens coldness and discrimination outside, even at the cost of suppressing their feelings and losing themselves. They weave a bright face for their childrens self-esteem. In fact, they are not trying to save their own fragile self-esteem and face? This is the goodwill and greatness of Chinese parents, and also the internal reason why Chinese parents live very tired.

Lets look at what happens to children in a cracked complete home. I hope that children can grow up healthily as their parents hope. However, this requires preconditions. If marriage exists in name only, it is not a parent-child environment conducive to the healthy growth of children. Although the existence of parents is real, the relationship between love and harmony between them is virtual, and children will perceive the real relationship between parents - unless parents successfully cover up their unhappiness in front of their children and perform love and harmony realistically. But its just a fantasy, because pretending cant solve hunger, thirst and anxiety. Its impossible to pretend.

Next, we can imagine what a child would do:

Second, children may feel guilty. Because he (she) will intuitively know that the relationship between parents is not good, and sooner or later he will know that parents do not divorce because of themselves. In childrens consciousness, there will be various questions: is their marriage related to me? Is their misfortune related to me? Can I make them happy? Are I really happy if they dont divorce Childrens subconscious will bury their parents unhappiness and self reproach related to themselves.

Third, children have fuzzy perception and complex experience. Because children are faced with two objects, in the relationship between father and son, children consciously accept the fathers thoughts, and subconsciously feel the fathers loneliness and helplessness. In the relationship between mother and child, the child remembers the mothers bitterness and subconsciously feels the mothers sad and helpless resentment. There is also a third object derived from it: the relationship between parents. Children know that they are both in common, but they cant know what their common values and life goals are. In the relationship with his parents, he (she) receives contradictory information, contradictory ideas and evaluation, and experiences both love and hate, both non and tolerant and hostile. For example, whether the father is good, the father is reasonable, or the mother is good, the mother is reasonable, or the parents are not good, whether they are inclined to the mother or the father, and so on. For a child with immature rational and perceptual cognition, it is impossible to analyze and judge clearly. Then, the hidden crisis of such a relationship is: children may learn to compromise or avoid, hypocrisy or tact, forbearance or destructive attacks, and the childs personality will be infused with elements of uncertainty, distrust, indecision and dependence.

Therefore, keeping marriage for children is actually a behavior purpose with potential risks and costs.

Therefore, we need rational analysis. Wallersteins follow-up study of divorced children, to be exact, should be a report of tracking results, which explains the growth of children after divorce, but it does not mean that the theory that divorce leads to childrens psychological problems is tenable. On the surface, it is indeed the fact of divorce that has brought misfortune to the children. If you think about it carefully, it is only the divorce itself that carries this crime. The real culprits of the childrens psychological problems are the split factors of divorce and the parents improper parenting. In the marriage before the divorce, the childrens heart has been latent negative emotions which are not conducive to healthy growth. After the divorce, all kinds of symptoms just show and continue the childrens psychological and behavioral problems.

Marriage itself can not guarantee the healthy growth of children, nor can it prevent children from being hurt. In many long-term and harmonious marriages, there are children who are very bad or even criminal, and many single parent families have excellent or even outstanding children. The crux of the problem is not the separation and separation of marriage, but whether parents will love and educate their children. In marriage, if the parent-child relationship has been good and parents educate their children in a more mature way, even if their marriage changes, and they believe that their love for children and mature education will not change, then the children can still grow up healthily and happily.

If its really good for children to keep a marriage, theres only one prerequisite: re marriage. Childrens psychological development must be in a nutritious (emotional, harmonious and real) marriage relationship and parent-child relationship in order to be healthy. You dont have a family. You have to get married first. If the husband and wife are not willing or unable to repair the marriage, it is impossible to give the children a healthy interpersonal environment. It is better to keep the marriage than to divorce, and the harm to the children is relatively less.