21 days after her disappearance, the truth of the lost wife finally came.
At 10 a.m. yesterday, Hangzhou police gave heartbreaking newsu2014u2014
Ms. Lai, the missing woman in Hangzhou, is confirmed to be killed, and the murderer is her husband Xu.
For the most part of the month, everyone is concerned about the missing woman.
The husband, who was with his wife day and night, said, when I get up, people are gone.
It became a complicated case.
On July 22, the police investigated the septic tank in the residential area where the victim was located. A total of 38 vehicles of fecal water were collected for flushing and screening. Finally, they grasped the key information and confirmed that Ms. Lai was killed.
After reading the whole report of the case, I was shocked and angry.
I cant bear to imagine how cruel the means of the whole crime process are.
For most women, when we decide to enter a relationship, we expect to create happiness together.
However, data show that many lost wives are injured by their partners or acquaintances.
According to the United Nations report, about 87000 women were killed in 2017, 58% of whom died at the hands of their partners or other family members.
Professor Li Meijin told the roundtable that the figure should be 60% in China.
Some time ago, the movie secret corner became popular. Zhang Dongshengs ruthlessness of killing his wife was still fresh in peoples memory. In real life, he often saw news about the wife killing case.
After the Hangzhou womens disappearance case broke out, a blogger named Li Ziyang on Weibo exposed his mothers disappearance without cause.
A series of lost wives were left on the microblog. It was shocking!
His back was cold, and he was afraid of it. At the same time, he had to ask:
Why are women vulnerable to injury or even murder in intimate relationships?
Why are women vulnerable to intimacy
There is a program of round table faction which discusses the topic of women being hurt in intimate relationships. It mentions several information points. I think it is very representative to share with you.
First, as we all know, men naturally have an advantage over women in physical strength.
Dou Wentao, the host, said he always felt that any woman was brave, too brave.
In his opinion, men are far greater than women in physical strength. In the face of such a hand may be fatal to a person, even if he is very much in love, traveling alone or living together every day, if he is a woman, he will have a very strong sense of insecurity.
Moreover, many couples are not married out of love, but out of matching conditions. Based on this emotional basis, once conflicts occur, men are more likely to lose control of their emotions and hurt their wives.
The program explores a vicious social event, in which a man walks on the street drunk and sees a woman come over and beats him without saying a word.
On the other hand, the man is very angry at the moment and needs to vent his emotions. In his growing environment, there was a problem of men beating women in their family. He grew up watching this kind of thing.
When he grows up, when he encounters emotional problems and gets angry, he grabs a woman to beat him.
There was no word respect for women in his mind. He thought that women should be beaten.
And such a man, it is likely that at home to his wife is also disrespectful, such as an object, temper up, is able to fight.
We have been exploring what kind of education should be given to boys. I think respect for women is perhaps the most important course.
In the program, I shared a case of a father educating a boy. I think its very good. Its a reference for parents
After listening to his fathers words, the boy picked up the doll under his leg.
The concept of hold down the baby, the baby will cry and ache is implanted into the childs heart, and the child will have empathy for the harm.
A doll cant hurt, let alone a girl?
The boy who has been educated and grown up in this way will not do harm to the girl in the future.
How can women protect themselves in the face of potential danger
Like most women, I feel that such a thing should not happen to us, and we believe that we have a good intimate relationship.
But if there is an accident, I hope every woman has the ability to deal with it.
When searching for the information on the case of Shanghai wife killing and freezing the corpse, I saw a lot of people saying that he was extremely extreme and dangerous by looking at his previous behavior.
Its too cold-blooded to criticize the deceaseds choice of candidates. However, we can still learn some lessons from these cases. Some potential murderers can be distinguished.
What we need to do is to prevent trouble before it happens. How can we do it?
After collecting a large amount of information, we selected such a comprehensive and professional survival manual for love.
Liu Zhao, a graduate of Tsinghua University, is engaged in psychology. He created this manual to help women bypass potential killers..
The five dimensions are: extreme degree, empathy ability, narcissism level, support resources and defense mechanism.
Even if it is not a vicious event like homicide, the probability of threats, threats, harassment, violence, the spread of naked photos, and unit disturbances has also increased significantly.
The most common manifestations of extremism are mainly two points, one is serious non black or white. Second, it is highly unstable.
We can check to see if there have been people with similar personality characteristics.
Among these five factors, empathy has the same predictive ability as extreme.
Empathy here refers to the ability to perceive (rather than to infer) other peoples emotions, that is, compassion. people who are at heart for the harm they suffer are less likely to have a vicious event.
In the case of missing woman in Hangzhou, I remember one detail: the reporter interviewed the husband of Lai, who calmly said to the camera:
I bet with her IQ, she didnt go out alone.
He not only has no remorse for his wife who was killed by him, but also is full of contempt. When he looks at it, it is really creepy.
These details can be seen in the process of getting along with each other.
Narcissism level is also very important, which often determines whether the impulse of Im going to destroy you will occur in the breakup and conflict.
This impulse is a kind of narcissistic rage caused by narcissism fragmentation. Narcissism is a neutral word, which is divided into primitive and mature.
Mature narcissism is characterized by: you and I are equal. We both have strengths and weaknesses. I am a not bad person.
This cognition is clear, consistent with the overall reality, stable and flexible. The closer to the standard, the more mature it is, and the more primitive it is.
Primitive narcissism can be evaluated from two aspects: self centeredness and self exaggeration.
If the level of narcissism is primitive, we should be careful.
Sometimes men with primitive narcissism attract women with low sense of security and extreme fear of separation, because such men will create the illusion of will not leave.
If the above three factors are compared to the accelerator, the two factors of defense mechanism and support resources are brake.
If a cars throttle is too big and the brakes suck, it will be easy to cause an accident.
Everyone has a variety of defense mechanisms to deal with pressure, some low-level, some high-level, in short, the more you are born, the lower you will be, the more mature you will be.
Usually the only way to maturity is to be raised healthily.
Mature and rich defense mechanisms have strong self-regulation ability, and low-level single defense mechanism has poor tolerance.
If a person uses a large number of low-level defense mechanisms and rarely uses high-level defense mechanisms (such as depression, rationalization, humor, sublimation (turning grief and anger into strength, etc.), the risk factor is high.
The so-called support resources refer to the channels that can be used to help the other party tide over difficulties when they are under attack.
Relatives, friends, good organizations with a sense of belonging, cause, interest and belief are all support resources, among which living resources are better than non-human resources.
Imagine that if a person has close relatives who can listen to him complain, if he has a loving career or interest, he can divert his attention, and a group of friends can accompany him to drink wine, curse his mother, watch ball games when he is lovelorn
He is a relatively small probability that he needs to use murder to deal with his internal emotional pressure.
Social resources (such as wealth, power, etc.) are often valued in choosing love partners, while support resources are rarely valued. However, in the process of breaking up, the richer and more advanced the partners support resources are, the less likely they are to go to extremes.
Most men can more or less see one or several shadows, if only a small amount of compliance, or although consistent but not strict, then there is no need to bow and bow, too anxious.
At the same time, if we find that there are many bad comments in the five dimensions, such as high internal extreme, highly unstable, no empathy, extremely primitive narcissism, almost completely using low-level defense mechanisms, and extremely lack of support resources, we should be more careful and not go deep.
If you are already in an intimate relationship and want to break up with a potential dangerous person, what should be done?
If the person youre dealing with is extremely unstable, severely extreme, extremely low empathy with others, extremely low defense mechanism, extremely primitive narcissism, and very few support resources, then, 10 million, 10 million, 10 million, we should pay attention to the threat warning (including the warning of suicide) and the slight injury events that have been done by him. He is not joking.
Second, no matter break-up or conflict, its wrong to think of the other party as a two-year-old boy with a pistol. Its the kings way to coax and deceive each other from empathy to reason and let him put down the gun and go far away.
Dont blame the other party for being bad, dont try to make the other party admit his mistake, dont prick the weak narcissism of the other party, dont let the other party think its his bad that you left, dont force the other party to the dead end in his heart, correct the mentality: your life is more important than right and wrong.
If you cant get over the why should I coax him? tell yourself, I want to live..
The boundary between fantasy and reality in such people (especially those with high degree of extremism and low level of defense mechanism) is vague. We should keep the boundary and give a clear reply to the other party on the premise of not provoking the other party and calming the other partys emotion.
Fourth, for the low degree of paranoid get along with the object, you can cut off all contact for a period of time, and then deal with it when it is calm.
For paranoid people, we should prepare for a long-term struggle, including changing jobs, cities, names and even friends, and social isolation on the Internet to make it more difficult for them to find you.
Although we cant stop anyone who is extremely paranoid and cold-blooded narcissism, after all, this is a very small number. In most cases, the difficulty of finding you is directly proportional to your safety level.
Fifth, long-term study and exercise self-defense skills, avoid meeting alone in a closed space, seek the help of the police and professional security personnel when necessary, and do not develop in-depth relations with others too quickly.
I dont think a woman is willing to speculate about her partner like this. We once fell in love and looked forward to the so-called happiness.
Even if ferocious things often happen, but its proportion is still a small number. I hope you and I, every woman, can still live with the best wishes.
The above professional information is from the microblog @ Liu Zhao on the road to write love survival manual, the following is the full version (slide up and down).
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Self defense of contemporary women in round table school