Name: Wang Lan, female, 31 years old, employee of the company
She said that she had been married for 10 years. Although her husband regarded her as a treasure in her hand, she couldnt love her husband at all. She even hated him and hated being with him. She often punished him with sex. But although she hated her husband, she did not dare to divorce, and her spirit was on the verge of collapse.
Diagnosis of the impact of the original family leads to her lack of emotional security, she can always see the shadow of her father in her husband, and the betrayal of her first love makes her have an inappropriate view of men. Only by facing up to the past experience and adjusting her cognition can she gradually arouse her love for her husband.
Wang Lan felt that she was the most unfortunate woman in the world. She wrote in the email:
My husband is innocent. Although he loves me very much, I dont love him at all. I know this is not good for everyone, but I dare not divorce him. Without him, I didnt even have the conditions to survive, and it was difficult to meet someone better than him. Last night, my husband came home from his friends wedding banquet. I didnt even want to see him. As soon as he came into my sight, I turned my head elsewhere. Even the corner of his eyes swept to him, I think he is very annoying, very ugly. This feeling has repeatedly appeared in 10 years of marriage, which makes me feel worse than death...
Looking at the email, I feel very puzzled, a man is ugly to what extent, will make his wife so disgusted? What is the secret behind this disgust? So, I made an appointment with Wang Lan and wanted to talk to her face to face.
After 10 years of marriage, I was very depressed
Wang Lan came to see me as scheduled. As soon as she entered the consulting room, her tears began to flow down. I handed her water and tissue and asked her to adjust her state first.
After calming down, Wang Lan began to describe the pain of her 10-year marriage: my husband is good to me, I know that its really hard for him in these 10 years. He thinks of me everywhere, but I still dont appreciate him, but I hate him. When he came home that night, he saw that I didnt pay attention to him, so he asked me if I was not happy. I said that I am not happy every day. There is nothing to be happy about in my life. I know that in other peoples eyes, I have a good life. I have a house to live in and a car to drive. Every penny my husband earns will be given to me. But in my eyes, only despair. I dont have a good job, so I can only earn a meager salary by doing temporary jobs. I dont have a good father, and I cant have a strong family as my daughter does. Sometimes I think, if I can make a lot of money, if my mothers family is stronger, I dare to divorce. I am also dissatisfied with my parents. It is because they have no wisdom that I have come to this day.
In fact, I had to get married. Because the day is fixed, so is the hotel. Before marriage, I proposed not to marry, but my parents did not agree, they did not take into account my feelings. I told myself at the wedding that this was my funeral. My mother said to me, over time, I will feel that this marriage is a good one. She thinks my husband is reliable, good to me and well-off. In fact, my husband and I are not happy after marriage, and we are very depressed. My husbands family is also worried about our marriage - they see that we are not in a good mood. Over the past 10 years, my husband has always been under my mental torture, and I am not as good as dead myself. In fact, I should break this situation, but I dare not, because I am afraid of damaging my own interests. More specifically, its material benefits.
From the situation described by Wang Lan, her husband should be regarded as a good man. Therefore, Wang Lans disgust feeling must have a reason. So I asked her, why do you associate your husband with words like disgust and ugliness
Hes not tall. I like tall men. Sometimes I dont feel good about being with him. Although I know his heart is very kind, people are also very capable, there are several more beautiful, capable girls chasing him. But I just like tall, handsome men, its better to be a head higher than me, so that I can lean on his chest, more secure. Because of the height problem, we didnt have a lot of conflicts, but I know its not his fault. I cant help but use this standard to measure him. My husband knows that I dont love him, but he still loves me as always and endures my cold violence silently.
I asked her, how did you get to know each other? Do you feel that way when you are in love?
My husband is my high school classmate and my fan. . He started chasing me in senior three, and we got together after college. I accepted him because I was betrayed by my first boyfriend. He is very kind to me, but I always torture him, and then feel useless, can only torture the people who love themselves. I dont like his appearance and personality. When I see him, I think of ugliness.
Do you have sex with your husband and wife? Sex is the bond between husband and wife. If you dont have sex for 10 years, its difficult to change the marriage.
There are still some, but its when I feel guilty that I can help him. I think he is very poor, so sometimes I help him to solve his physiological needs. Most of the time, I sleep on my stomach because it protects me. My husband seldom asks me for sex because he knows Im not happy. Sometimes, I really feel cruel. In fact, I am a woman with strong desire. When the desire comes, I will fantasize about having sex with my first love boyfriend, and twisted on the bed and on the floor alone. Several times was hit by her husband, he in addition to panic, there are silent tears. Late at night, I often see him alone in the bathroom and balcony secretly masturbation, his eyes full of tears, there are still my photos. But in the daytime, when facing me, he is still so gentle, gentle and considerate. When I think of the madness and romance that I used to have sex with my first love boyfriend in dozens of positions, I feel more cruel to my husband
Thats the first consultation. I found that Wang Lan not only hated her husband, but also showed a sense of despondency, complaint and inferiority. So, I gave her a homework: recall the things that make me happy, and write them on paper.
Pain and happiness are all related to fans
During the second consultation, I found that Wang Lans expression was more relaxed. I think she must have remembered something that made her happy. Sure enough, she handed me a piece of paper, which read: I used to have thousands of troops of fans, which made me happy and supported me to go on.
I asked her, can you tell me about your fans?
Is your first love related to fans? I asked her. Because in the first consultation, Wang Lan mentioned her first love boyfriend several times, and in her heart, she constantly compared her first love boyfriend with her current husband.
Wang Lans eyes moved away from me and stopped for a moment. This body movement confirmed my judgment. Wang Lan said: my first boyfriend was my high school classmate. He first pursued mine. Later we were admitted to the University, a classmate wrote to me, let me take care of him, said he was carrying me and other girls. I called him, and he didnt admit it, and vowed that he loved me. That day, I cried all night because I didnt know what to do. The next day I passed his dormitory and I couldnt help but walk in. The moment I opened the door, my heart almost jumped out of my mouth! The quilts on his bed are scattered. There are womens bras on the computer chair next to him. The door of the bathroom is also closed, and there is a sound of water inside This scene was too horrible for me to think about it. No one noticed that I had been here, and I left quietly. Later, I felt unwilling and turned back. This time, the door was closed. I knocked on the door for a long time, and he finally came out. Then, a girl came out and saw me. She ran away crying. He left me and ran after the girl. At this time, I went into the house to turn out the garbage can, all kinds of inspection, but did not find condoms and other things. After a long time, he came back. He said to me, just now that girls home is being decorated, she just came to take a nap, and nothing happened. Im skeptical, but I dont want to pursue it. Now think about it, I gave up completely at that time, so I let myself get hurt, and I dont want to continue to entangle with him
After Wang Lan talked about her first love, I decided to end the second consultation and give me and her a buffer time.
The image of my father often appears before my eyes
In the next consultation, I mainly understand the marriage of Wang Lans parents. I asked her, in your memory, what is the marriage of mom and dad like? Generally, children will be affected by their parents marriage, and many people will bring their parents interaction mode into their marriage.
When I was very young, about five years old, they often quarreled about some small things, and even fought a lot. The economic conditions at home are not good, my father doesnt care much about me, and my mother often complains. I feel sorry for my mother. I will do whatever she says. But I think money is the most important thing in my mothers eyes.
Wang Lan sobbed as she spoke. I knew these memories had gone deep into her problems, so I asked her to continue to think slowly.
My mother said that marriage means living a life, and feelings are unreliable without material things. Marriage is to be company together. There is no love. Look at your father. He is ugly and short. But for you, I would have divorced him
Do you hate dad?
I hate him. If it was not for him, mother would not be sad; if he had money, mother would not have worked so hard. He is always silent and has no expression. I dont think he has ever loved me. But he passed away the year before last, and I dont hate him very much, but I always think of him in my mind
With that, Wang Lan couldnt stop crying. I told her to vent, not to suppress themselves. When she calmed down, I asked her if she had anything to say to her father.
Wang Lan pause for a long time, do not know how to say. So I played Dad and asked her to play daughter. I had a role play and situational dialogue to help her find the feeling of fatherly love.
Dad: how are you doing, daughter?
Wang Lan: not good (Wang Lan is not natural when she looks at her fathers eyes).
Dad: do you hate dad? I didnt get along with your mother, I didnt make more money, but I tried. In fact, dad has always loved you, but dad is not good at expressing. Dad also felt inferior for his image, but that was the past. What happened between me and your mother should not have affected you. Now I regret it very much. I hope you and your mother can have a good life.
Wang Lan (crying): I always thought you didnt love me. I always thought it was you who humiliated my mother and me. Why didnt you tell me earlier that it made me suffer and feel inferior for so long?
Dad: Dad is not good. Dad apologizes to you. Liu Song (Wang Lans husband) is very kind to you. You should treat him well. I hope your husband and wife are happy.
Heard here, Wang Lan has already sobbed, look at the Dad eyes are naturally a lot. I know that she has been gradually facing up to the impact of this problem on her marriage, which is a very positive signal.
Later, we carried out several counseling, and the effect was better and better. In this process, a sudden event made Wang Lans views on her husband changed a lot. That day, Wang Lan suddenly had a high fever at home and fell into a coma. She first thought of calling her first love boyfriend, and the other party told her that she had no time. However, Wang Lan clearly heard a womans voice and noisy music. So she called her husband in tears. After the husband knew, he rushed home to take Wang Lan to the hospital and accompany him all night. For this, he nearly lost a business.
This matter let Wang Lan begin to reflect on what he has done. It is extremely painful for a person to calm down and reflect on himself. I constantly encourage her and guide her to make her dare to know herself, adjust herself and get out of the shadow of the past.
1. The original family influenced Wang Lans attitude towards marriage.
The original family is the family we grew up in when we were young. In this case, Wang Lan brought her parents marriage mode into her family. Subconsciously, she fully agrees with her mother. For example, she feels disgusted, disgusted and ugly to her husband. In fact, she feels like her father. She put this cognitive picture into her marriage. By this time, her husband was no longer a husband, but a father. Once we identify with someone, its impact is immeasurable. After Wang Lan understood this, I asked her to find a chance to have a good communication with her mother and slowly change her attitude towards her lover.
2. The frustration of her first love further strengthened her cognition.
Wang Lan said that her first love is unforgettable. If it wasnt for her betrayal, she would have married her first boyfriend. After the first love frustrated, Wang Lan more firmly to the mans view, that is ugly, unreliable. Her sexual punishment to her husband, to a certain extent, is also to satisfy the resentment and revenge of her first love boyfriend. On the other hand, Wang Lan is fascinated by the tall and handsome of her first love boyfriend. In the chaotic role projection, she finds her husband ugly and annoying.
I told Wang Lan that it is not our responsibility to hurt in the past, but we should face it squarely. From now on, everything we do is our responsibility. To establish a sense of intimacy with her husband, we should first step out of the past, seriously feel what is the real image of the husband, explore the advantages of each other, treat him with appreciation, respect him and accept him.
A few months after the consultation, I met Wang Lan and his wife again. At this time, Wang Lan and she were quite different. Recalling the original bit by bit, she did not face pain and depression, but a face of indifference and happiness. Because she experienced the pain, she began to mature, but also learned to cherish, this is not a kind of harvest. A successful chrysalis is like a successful pupa.