In fact, because what you say is not from the perspective of the other party to think, your initial motivation is not communication.
There is a difference between communicating and venting.
In the process of chatting, we should not take chatting as an emotional outlet, but should really communicate.
But if you are expressing your needs in a positive way, you will say, I hope you coax me.
Give me another real example of a fan who asked me for help.
That girl, and his boyfriend for two and a half years in love. Boys have been very good to girls, and later began to love in different places, girls are more and more insecure. Every time she calls, she complains that her boyfriend doesnt care enough about herself, doesnt care enough and so on.
Occasionally, when a boy says something wrong in the video, the girl will directly hang up the video with a straight face.
The girl said that at the beginning, the other side would call back to coax her. After a long time, the other side showed impatience.
The girl asked me, is it wrong for a girl to want her boyfriend to care more about her?
In fact, there is no mistake. The only mistake is in the way of communication.
From the girls talk to them in different places, I think the girl knows why her boyfriend wants to break up with him, because in their chat video in different places, the boy doesnt feel the girls yearning for him, and all he feels is complaining and blaming him.
Girls dont know how to use communication skills, and they dont communicate well with each other, which is the direct reason for breaking up.
Just think, if girls often express I miss you, I dont feel safe in a different place, youre not around me, Im very sad and so on, they can also successfully convey their intention to be considerate to their boyfriend, but the effect is different, that is, the difference between communication and venting.
So what is communication?
Real communication is consensual, two-way rather than one-way.
There are two kinds of communication effects:
One is low-quality communication, not even communication, but one-way indoctrination and repression, of course, also caused a rebound, so the effect is very poor.
The other is high-quality communication, which is really with love and is two-way.
High quality communication requires mastering communication skills, learning communication skills, and quarreling can become interesting.
Our common communication postures are: accusing type, flattering type, super rational type, interrupting type and the same inside and outside.
Blame type: just want to care about your feelings.
Please type: only want to care about others feelings, but not necessarily others feelings.
Super rational type: discuss the matter according to the facts, regardless of other peoples feelings.
Whats wrong is to make complaints about things. To avoid pressure is like a persons own business. He shifts the topic to another thing, because he does not want to take the pressure of this person.
Inside and outside: will care about other peoples feelings, will also care about their own feelings, and this chat will feel comfortable.
And the communication skill is to close your communication way to the same style, and dont forget to please yourself when considering other peoples feelings.
I know what I want, but I wont make you uncomfortable for myself.
I believe that there will not be so many contradictions between the two.
Three types of things that make communication inefficient:
Many people are inconsistent. For example, their emotions are not consistent with your expressions. They are clearly unhappy, but they insist that they are OK.
The lines in the movie my girlhood: when a girl says its OK, its OK. When she says its OK, its OK.
In fact, many times boys dont understand what you are thinking, so how do you think, we should clearly tell him, absolutely not inconsistent.
The second category is super rational.
Some people only talk about logical relations, regardless of human feelings, usually more boys make this mistake.
The third kind, interruption.
Girls often break into other peoples speech.
Girls are usually several times better at language than boys. After being interrupted by you, he doesnt know what to say next, which will lead to communication deadlock.
So, how to talk with each other? What is a good communication?
1) Before we chat, we need to understand each others needs.
Generally, a persons needs are mainly divided into emotional needs and objective fact (or cognitive level) needs.
The best way to chat is to talk about emotions.
For example, you can open a topic by making a joke or telling a joke.
Theres another way to talk - start with cognition.
All things can be divided into two parts:
One part is called objective fact, the other is subjective cognition.
Taking the scene of our meeting as an example, from the perspective of objective facts, we stood in a building at the junction of the Yangtze River and the Yellow Sea, where a group of us held a meeting, which is an objective fact.
Maybe some people come to the meeting just to make some new friends;
Some people regard meeting activities as a learning opportunity;
Others want to try a new experience;
Of course, there are people who just want to see me.
So we will find that everyone has different views on the same thing, which is the difference of our subjective world.
The essence of chatting is that although we are all in the same objective world, everyone has different subjective world. We can connect the subjective world between us through chatting.
Just like the students who want to meet new friends in the meeting activities, and the students who want to meet me, they chatted and probably became new friends, that is, one persons view became the common view of the two of them, because they were connected together.
If you have heard my early class or seen my official account in the early years, you will find that I especially emphasize the skill of telling stories.
Why? Because the whole human being is a story.
For example, we are all from Shanghai. This is a story.
The story is that we, as Homo sapiens, live on the edge of this Eurasian continent, and then we invented a system to make each other believe.
Chatting is actually about telling a story, which belongs to the story between two chatters.
For example, when I was wearing a blue dress at a meeting, I saw a girl wearing the same blue dress at the scene. I can say to this girl:
I think its a special fate to meet you today. Everyone else is wearing clothes of other colors, only the two of us are wearing blue.
This is a story. From here, we can have a chat about blue:
Do you know why I wear this blue dress today? I have a good friend who used to tell me that I look very energetic when I wear blue Ah, my friend also lives in Shanghai. His family lives in the direction of Hongqiao. I just met him this afternoon...
The above is just a demonstration for you, through which we can open up countless new topics.
How endless is chatting?
Let the chat never lack of words, through a way we call multi thread.
What do we call single thread chat?
For example, one person said, its a fine day today.
Another said, look at the sun. Its big.
The man then said, its OK. Its not cold or hot. Havent eaten yet....
This kind of chat is called single thread chat, that is, I ask you to answer.
Many people in life use this kind of checking account single thread chat:
where are you from? What do you do for a living? Whats your name? What do you like to do?
This kind of dialogue, no more than three sentences, the people who are asked certainly do not want to answer, this is called a single thread dialogue.
Single thread dialogue is to move forward on a certain clue, and then the topic of this clue will surely be exhausted.
In communication, on the one hand, we should avoid invalid behaviors, especially the behaviors that destroy the communication relationship; on the other hand, we should improve the communication ability.
Communication is not only about language, but also about expression, pronunciation and intonation.
Your eyes, your expression, even your punctuation mark, convey your attitude.
Finally, I hope you can develop good communication as the most important habit in life, and turn communication skills into your own ability to master and improve. As long as good communication is achieved, many emotional problems and interpersonal problems in our life will be solved.
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