Ma Yili, who has a high EQ and IQ, has experienced the changes of marriage. He has made continuous progress on the road of self-development and has a thorough understanding of the relationship between men and women and the way of getting along with husband and wife.
The harder you hold the sand in your hand, the more you lose it.
Psychologist Harry bustuli once said:
Many married female friends will remind each other when they get together to talk about their husbands:
Look at my husband.
I think that the closer the couple are, the better it is to stick, it is impossible to give a third party a chance.
The heroine of the movie I want to have a good relationship with you loves her too hard. She monitors her boyfriends life. Everything of her boyfriend must be in her sight.
She even forced herself to commit suicide. The man could not bear the suffocating love. At last, there was only one sentence left: I love you, you dont love me
If there is no gap between husband and wife, they tie each other too tightly. If they regard each other as private property, each other will inevitably have a psychological conflict. On the other hand, our own possessive desire will subconsciously impose our own ideas and habits on each other, making him feel suffocated and even want to escape.
From more than 1000 cases of partner cheating, psychologists have summed up this conclusion:
One of the important reasons for marital infidelity is the destruction of mystery, because the lovers in marriage are too real.
If I wipe off lipstick and high-heeled shoes for you, I will become an old lady who does laundry and cooking for you. Dress casually, laugh, show your teeth, get angry, cook with a big stomach, wait for you to go home, even go to the toilet without closing Its all because I care about you so much.
As time went by, when life hit her hard, she found that to treat each other too much as ones own person was not to treat ones own person, without reservation, without any concealment in front of others, but overestimated human nature.
The distance in marriage is not only the beautiful distance, but also the best way to keep love fresh.
Shakespeare has a famous saying:
The sweetest honey can numb the taste, and the less passionate love can last for a long time.
Not too warm in the sentence is obviously the idea of intimacy and intimacy. As far as the physical distance is concerned, there is also a saying that a little difference is better than a new marriage in China.
Psychologists in the study of the exuberant period of the secretion of love hormones show that the period of love between men and women is 18 months, and the period of love intimacy is up to 3 months.
Three months later, the average man will be the first to jump out and even get tired of this sticky relationship.
Women are relatively easy to be influenced by love. Generally, it is difficult for them to adapt to the change from intimacy to distance, and most of the changes in the face of lovers are unacceptable.
The reaction of many women is: he has changed, does not love me, is there someone outside. And then they will be more nervous and want to hold each other more tightly.
Many enviable couples on the screen often have such dialogues:
Mine is yours, yours is yours.
In reality, many men are Tucao, and their wives make complaints about TV.
In fact, its not that they are poisoned, but that they cant correctly understand the so-called intimate relationship between husband and wife.
Women generally think that where men spend their money, love will be used, so they often keep their money bags tightly.
Xiao Zheng, a colleague of the company, divorced his wife not long ago, which is quite unexpected. He is famous for his strict wife control and his reputation of being afraid of his wife is almost known to the whole building.
Every time he goes out for dinner, he calls his wife to ask for leave first. Even if he is sincere about asking for leave, sometimes he pulls several colleagues to testify, and often he cant get approval.
Scolded and worried, Zheng Hong said with a face: she didnt approve, I dont have money AA, and I cant always rub against you.
Looking at Xiaozhengs relieved expression after his divorce, I know that his wifes past close control seems to be successful, but in fact, its just a little bit of accumulated disappointment, dragging the marriage to crisis step by step.
Psychological research has found that there is a kind of emotional self-esteem between partners in varying degrees, which refers to a persons evaluation of himself according to his position in the love relationship, losing self-awareness and objective evaluation.
A womans position in the marriage is not given by her husbands wallet. Even if he comes back to you on time from work, every cent of the money will be spent in the family, and the heart distance will also want to escape because of your control.
Your partner is your own, but not your own. If you love each other again, you are also an independent individual. You need your own space and rights, and more respect.
Giving him space to fly moderately is actually nourishing marriage, which is based on psychological research. People who are respected and free in marriage are more likely to have attachment to their partners and families.
The relationship between husband and wife is like two pillars in the river. The closer the distance is, the easier it is to open a net between them to catch fish, but the harvest is less. On the contrary, its not easy to fish with net in the distance between the pillars, but the harvest can be very large.
Marriage, two souls who watch each other will grow better. The spiritual intimacy is much happier than the seeming separation.
Liu Ruoying once said:
When you are in your 20s, the love you need is like wine. When you are in your 40s, the love you need is like porridge. Its light and comfortable. You can take care of each other and reserve private space. You can have a comfortable life with each other.
They can go to an airport together, their husband goes to Beijing to talk business, and Liu Ruoying goes to Shanghai to find his best friend.
They will also nest on the sofa together. Liu Ruoying, resting on her husbands legs, listens to his unique Beijing accent and reads articles for her.
Roland Miller once wrote in intimacy:
From the perspective of interpersonal science, it is unlikely that the passion in young mens and womens love will last to the old, at least not as expected by their partners.
In marriage, those who want to gain a sense of security by controlling each other are mostly those who have weak psychological quality or living ability. They have no confidence in themselves and have a sense of dependence on marriage.
The best way to find self-determination in marriage is to achieve yourself first, jump out of the shackles of each other and look at the relationship mode of two people from the perspective of outsiders.
Try to put it down a bit and youll get more. Dont hold your fists too tight.
When we should give each other space, we should learn to restrain ourselves, respect each other and respect ourselves at the same time. We can grow up by binding each others time. For example, we can let go of a wild horse, plant our grassland with our heart, and the wild horse can also domesticate itself into a domestic horse.
Author: Xueer, a post-80s girl, yearns for the distant poetry and indulges in the present. She likes to write the words with temperature. I wish you and I could share in the warm years.