Xiong Ling: jealousy comes from the incomplete attachment in childhood

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 Xiong Ling: jealousy comes from the incomplete attachment in childhood


From the above statements, we can see that Xiaoyus psychological pain comes from the relationship between his childhood and his mother. It can also be said that he endured the loss of good mother object in the early parent-child relationship. When his mother accused him of how not like your cousin Wei Zi, you are so unpromising, his psychology began to breed hatred of promising Wei Zi. And Liu, the director he now faces, has temperament and ability, which is the external projection of his cousin Wei Zis promising in the past. Lius discomfort is actually his repeated experience of Wei Zis jealousy. In Liu, he projects two identities and two kinds of psychological activities: one is his mother, the other is his mothers favorite Wei Zi; the other is envies and envies Liu who is as good as Wei Zi; the other is resents Liu [unconsciously] and suppresses himself with his brilliance, just like the mother always suppresses Wei Zis achievements I am the same. Therefore, the hatred of Liu is not only his projection of Wei Zi in his childhood, but also his indirect expression of the object of resentful mother, which is also the dual emotion of Wei Zi and his mother. Xiaoyu feels sad when he sees Liu. On the surface, he hates Liu for his excellence, but in fact, he hates his mother for using others kindness to negate and hurt him. The formation of this resentment stems from the defect of his early positive attachment - the loss of good mother object.

According to the study of Bowlby, the nature of the early attachment relationship between the guardian (parent) and the infant, as well as the repeated experience of the attachment relationship between the infant and the guardian (parent) form the internal working mode of infant cognition. These cognitive models provide infants with behavior patterns of communication with others and themselves. Positive attachment means loyalty, security, stability, emotional concern and involvement. The types of contact with early guardians make us form a kind of behavioral style and emotional model in awareness, information processing and interpersonal relations, that is, cognitive schema consistent with early relationship experience, which determines our later social relationship model. Therefore, the key point of childrens healthy growth is safe and stable mother child attachment. This kind of relationship also includes that the child gradually gets the self-identity of Im very important to you, Im very good, I can do it in his parents object. This kind of self-identity is the subject image that he gradually formed in the interpersonal development, thus becoming the core element in the personality structure. The child will shape himself according to his early personality image. If in the early parent-child relationship, children often get information and evaluation from their parents, such as coward, no hope, no success, their hearts will form a self-identity of Im not good, Im not as good as others, and a tiny, bad self image will be branded in their neural memory. Although the early parent-child relationship exists, the child maintains a relationship with the parent object in the fear of being denied and reprimanded. Therefore, this kind of parent-child relationship exists, but it is a kind of damaging relationship. In other words, in this relationship, the safe attachment required for the normal development of the child is no longer present, but the attachment defect.

Early attachment defects, not only make a person to bury resentment and jealousy, but also because of the resentment and hostility, antagonism. Because the security attachment defect is a kind of love defect, and the children growing up in the love defect not only breed the sick demand of love, but also breed the defense and attack behaviors such as hostility and confrontation. In his later life, it is difficult to feel the existence of love, but he also strongly needs to courtship, and even develops into a neurotic tendency of getting safety and avoiding anxiety. This kind of neurosis tends to harm others or oneself by demanding oneself from the inside, others from the outside, self accusation and self hatred, jealousy and hostility, or by aggressive language and aggressive behavior. All of these are reflected in his family relationship, husband and wife relationship, friend relationship, colleague relationship and other real interpersonal relationships without exception.

The task of psychotherapy is to analyze the complex behind the jealousy reaction of the client and his whole character structure, and to reveal and deal with the inner conflicts of the client. We should not only make the client aware of the origin of his inner conflicts, but also help him understand how these conflicts play a specific role, that is, let the client produce the effect of original, how, so on his psychological problems. Original means to make the client gradually realize that all his jealousy reactions, such as self hatred, depression, hostility, and discomfort in communication, originate from his feeling of hurt in early attachment relationship; how means to help the client understand how these suppressed emotions and inner conflicts play a specific role. It makes him understand that his ambition of always wanting to be outstanding drives him to build a strong ideal self-image, but because of jealousy, it is impossible for him to have an open mind to study and explore, which doomed him to fail to achieve the goal of outstanding and never to achieve his ideal self; so means that the caller can finally see that his jealousy reaction is his past The result of attachment defect and negative self-concept. It can also help the helpers to explore the troubles of interpersonal relationship through the theory of attachment reconstruction. In the treatment relationship, the analyst can represent the guardian, and the client is the guardian in the attachment relationship. Thus, the analysts safe and reliable position can activate the attachment system. Whether in the counseling relationship or outside of this relationship, the helpers can further understand and understand their own aspects objectively from this safe and reliable place, so that the helpers with adult consciousness can experience the parenting behavior of their parents in the past and re understand the interpersonal relationship model they should establish now.