If we dont evaluate them at will, can we avoid their tragedy?

 If we dont evaluate them at will, can we avoid their tragedy?

By Jin Mulan

Source: Aida China Finland International Education

I cant help but have something to say when I see two unfortunate people who have died these days: Miao Kexin and Zhang Ling.

There are a lot of adults who are too easy to give children all kinds of evaluation and too free to label children. After twenty years of living in Finland, I gradually realized how valuable the quiet and informal evaluation of Finns is.

In the face of leaders, superiors, colleagues and friends, we will repeatedly consider whether we should say or not. But when we deal with children, we often say what we want, as if the children in front of us have no heart, no brain, and no feelings. The adults of this moment are very ugly. I used to be so ugly, and now I cant guarantee that I wont make such a mistake again for the rest of my life, but I realize that now Ill write it out to alert myself to be cautious.


Dust laden memory

Looking back on these years, I clearly remember that the first time I realized that I was accustomed to evaluating others without knowing myself was in 2003, three years after I went abroad. At that time, I worked as an intern in Belgium. In a house I rented together, two new Finnish interns came. I greeted the girl warmly and blurted out to her: you dont look like a Finn (I thought she was more Spanish or Italian at that time). Turn to the handsome boy and say: you are thin. The Finnish girl smiled awkwardly, and repeated my comment to the boy in a low voice: I am not Finnish, you are thin.

Maybe you will think that this kind of evaluation does not hurt people. Yes, I grew up in a cultural environment where I used to evaluate others, and I thought so at the beginning.

In the third grade of primary school, when I was transferred from the countryside to the city, I was laughed at by my neighbors in the city, and ridiculed by my teachers for not understanding what diary and composition are. Fortunately, I got a good math score, so I was not seriously hit.

There was no sound in the class, only the dull sound of the heavy book hitting the back of the students. Besides, the class was quiet as if it could hear the heartbeat of the students. And there are two different heartbeat rhythm, the rhythm of the students who have been beaten to relax, and the rhythm of the students who have not yet turned to be nervous. That short few minutes, in my memory, infinite extension.

While I was studying, I worked all night to support myself. At this time, my relatives said, since I married, you have been reading. Now you are still reading. And I was 19, at the age of reading. At the end of the semester, I bought myself a fashionable dress in Hanzheng Street and put it on for the Spring Festival. My family said, youve finally put on a decent suit.

Later, when I wanted to study abroad, the voice that my family didnt think highly of me was one after another: I didnt even go to high school, I didnt want money, and I still wanted to go abroad. Im so eager to go abroad. This is not the end, but also kind to warn my father: you can not give her a loan ah, that is never to return.

Later, after giving birth to a child, the evaluation of relatives came again: why is the second girl again? Does your husband really want a boy? Why are you so fat? You are so big and round...


Cold words are like knives

Twenty years of living in Finland, it is still the arbitrary speculation and evaluation of others that hurt me. When I just gave birth to two children, I may have been pregnant for three years, because of the bad of others, I was depressed for five years. In those five years, I repeatedly fell into the mire and couldnt extricate myself. I couldnt figure out how people could be so ugly and despicable that I didnt want to recall. Its no exaggeration to say that if I dont have my husbands day and night guard and dont give up, it will be very difficult for me to come out in five years, even if I face two lovely children all day long, I cant be happy.

I used to be very inarticulate (in fact, I havent made much progress now). When I was young, I experienced language violence. I didnt even return a word. At that time, I didnt understand that it was language violence. My honest parents didnt realize that they wanted to protect their children. Sometimes their own words would make my heart burn for many years. Later in Finland, I can only use ugly and despicable words to describe it, and I cant say anything else. The only thing I feel guilty about and uneasy about is that in five years of depression, I have not been able to grow up as mature as I am now, to love and take care of my two children as I do now. Thank you very much for your silent company without any complaint. Instead, he comforted me and said, dont blame yourself too much. At that time, you have to help yourself first!!

Now all these nightmares are over. I thought these shadows would not affect my mood any more. Until today, I saw two unfortunate people who died in wechat circle: Miao Kexin and Zhang Ling. Id like to share with you the practices that Finnish people can learn from. Their not easy evaluation of adults and careful care for children can serve as a mirror for us to learn from and reflect on.

no comment

My Finnish colleague looked me in the eye and said, no comment. Im in a daze for a second. I want to say in my heart, Im your boss.

Next, my Finnish colleague still looked me in the eyes very sincerely and said: anything she said to me is only between us. Its respect for her. But I have my own independent judgment. If I have any opinions or ideas about the company or you, I will speak directly to you in person at the first time.

She said so and did so. We got along very well and cooperated very efficiently.

From childhood, the two children go to grandparents home for a night or a weekend from time to time. Before and after sending the children, the husband will make a phone call or face-to-face communication with grandparents. Before I went, I shared my childrens recent situation with complete information: their recent physical condition, learning situation, making friends, hobbies, mood, favorite games, toys, favorite books, favorite food and hobbies, etc., which is a complete warning. If the children talk, grandparents will not be confused and ignorant, which makes them feel To be disappointed or confused.

After that, it was my grandparents who shared with us what happened in this visit. If its a good thing or a happy thing, such as watching their paintings, handicrafts, baked goods, everyone will share them happily, even make fun of them, and the children will giggle together. But if its something thats not very good, its worth reminding us. For example, when the two sisters quarreled, the children were in a bad mood, or when they were chatting about the social news thats not very positive, grandma and Dad, like underground workers, would whisper to one side, quietly communicate and instruct.

In fact, most of the things they talk about secretly seem to me, a Chinese background, to have no need to avoid them at all. However, the Finnish elders are cautious and never dare to cause any possible harm to the children. Because of this, Finnish children will not learn from adults to talk about others and evaluate their behaviors.


Children in early childhood, the expression is often easier to express their own feelings, such as: you are not as good-looking as I am, you sing very harsh, you dance very funny and so on. At this time, Finnish kindergarten teachers and parents will squat down first, put down their fingers in the air gently and firmly, look at their childrens eyes and say, can you find out three things you appreciate first?

The child is thoughtful, under the guidance of the teacher, carefully observe and think, and strive to explore the three advantages of each other or each others works. The evaluation of the painting that was laughed at by the children at the moment may be: she painted brightly, the sun father-in-law was warm, the dog was lovely and so on. You see, where is this painting ugly? With the eyes to find beauty, you can see beauty everywhere.

In this way, correct and train repeatedly. Before children make any evaluation, first find out at least three advantages of the evaluated target, and gradually internalize it into a thinking habit. Of course, this evaluation can also be on their own. Nowadays, we are self defeating and self doubt often happen. Why cant we find out our three advantages and affirm ourselves first?


Finlands national syllabus states that it is not until the fifth grade of primary school that scores are given in numerical terms, that is to say, before the age of 11, the annual academic year report is written in descriptive form.

Take the fourth grade for example. The fourth graders report card consists of two parts, one is the subject score and the other is the behavior performance. Twelve subjects are included in the course scores: Finnish philology, English, mathematics, environment, art, crafts, ethics, history, music, physical education and two optional courses, such as the making of handbags with recycled materials and sports in nature. The performance report card is divided into four sections: behavior, compliance with rules and regulations, attention to others, praise and encouragement, environmental protection and responsible lifestyle. That is to say, there are 16 overall evaluations.

Although I can only see the scores of my own children, and I cant see the scores of other children, so far I can only see three grades: excellent, good and good. No matter what grade they get, it wont make them and their parents feel too bad.

One of the 16 items that attracted me most was to pay attention to others and give praise and encouragement. I think this is enough for all of US adults to study for life, enough for educators to reflect, what should the so-called complete evaluation system of education really include?



Miao Kexin and Zhang Ling left forever. I cant imagine their pain and sorrow before they died. But when I think of them, my heart is cramped and painful. After I finished the first draft, its midnight. I forced myself to sleep. As a result, I dreamed about it all night. If you revise it today, youll be flustered. I cant help thinking, if we adults can have more awe and respect when evaluating or commenting on children, think twice before we act, think carefully before we speak cautiously, whats the reason for such a tragedy?

In the face of children, adults only learn and do Silence, education will have hope.


I didnt want to add this paragraph, but in order to let you see the hope, Id better write it out.

I dont know what diary and composition are in the third grade of primary school, which doesnt prevent me from writing a dozen thick diaries and publishing articles in various magazines and media, which are read and forwarded by many people.

In the first year of junior high school, my pronunciation is not correct, which does not prevent me from living, studying and working in English, or even in Finnish.

I can tell the people who dislike my 19-year-old still studying that I am 44 and still studying.

Dear children, you have a long way to go. Let all the adults who are not friendly to you go to hell. Dont be scared by them. Even if you are afraid or even have doubts about yourself, you should also bear to pity these sad adults in your heart. They are not happy with their own lives. They are afraid of themselves, so they will attack you so crazily, which has nothing to do with you.

Dear adults, when you say any unfriendly comments to the children, please turn your back to the children first, keep dozens of numbers in mind, then turn your face to the children with a smile, and list the advantages of the children or their works first. In fact, children are not so bad, you just give time and love, they will return to you to embrace and miracle.

Author: Kim Mulan, founder of Finland education learning and development center, founded Aida Aida, a Finnish education brand, dedicated to spreading warm education. This article is selected from Aida Zhongfen International Education (ID: GH_ 8ed685b7b289uff09u3002 See authorized release.


Hot words