When it comes to troubling others, many peoples first reaction is refuse.
We grew up listening to the principle of dont trouble others easily. We are used to carrying everything by ourselves. When we need help from others, we have two words: tangle.
However, the older I grow up, the more I find that there are some troublemakers in my life. They not only do not exclude troublemakers, but also accumulate contacts through troublemakers to make themselves more popular.
You think trouble consumes relationships
But theyre all trying to get in touch with each other
Generally speaking, in most peoples cognition, to trouble others is to consume contacts, so we are not willing to trouble others.
But in fact, properly bothering others will not only consume the relationship, but also promote it.
My friend is a beauty blogger. Once she wrote an article about embroidery, which needs some comparative cases. Originally, my friend had a high school classmate who is now opening a embroidery studio. I can help her.
But the friend feels, oneself and the other side are not very familiar, do not want to bother others, on the net solicit. Ive been busy for two days, but I cant use the cases I got
Overwhelmed by an unexpected favour, her friend asked her classmates for help. The result was that he was very flattered. He not only helped him solve the material problem, but also gave her a few eye liner ointment.
Because of the trouble each other once, the original strange relationship suddenly came alive.
Listening to friends, now they have developed from partners who only talk about beauty related topics to girlfriends who have nothing to say.
As Wu Zhihong said:
If you dont want to bother others, you will have fewer opportunities to interact with each other, and your relationship will not warm up. On the contrary, the more interaction you have, the closer your relationship will become.
Therefore, the interpersonal experts all know a truth: the relationship must be deepened in the interaction, and trouble is a kind of essentially effective social interaction.
To bother others in a timely and appropriate way is actually to warm up your interpersonal relationship.
If you never bother others, you refuse to build a relationship.
A friend told me that the main reason why he didnt want to trouble others was that he was afraid that he would be rejected.
I used to think so, but now I cant.
I had a two-and-a-half-year experience of studying in the United States. When I first arrived in the United States, I was not familiar with the place of my life, and my oral English was relatively unsmooth. I couldnt get together with other students in my class all the time, so I was very depressed.
My tutor suggested that I try to communicate with American students as much as possible and ask them to help me correct my oral problems, so that I can not only break through the language barrier faster, but also enter their circle and make friends.
But at that time, I was more glassy, afraid that others would directly refuse my request, and that others would think that I was a bold ghost who suddenly broke into their lives.
After only one semester alone, I finally realized that I cant go on like this. I want to let go of my glass heart, break through the language bottleneck as soon as possible, and integrate into the class environment as soon as possible. Otherwise, its meaningless for me to keep learning?
I didnt expect that those students agreed very readily.
At the end of a semester, my oral English has made great progress, and I can communicate with the local people in a fluent way.
On the eve of graduation, several American students in my class invited me to have a meal.
During the dinner, they said to me, we like you very much, your mentality is very open, willing to take the initiative to communicate with us, we are very reluctant to leave you.
This experience makes me find that people who know how to trouble others are more popular.
Psychological research also tells us:
People are naturally close knit. When you go to trouble others, it actually releases a signal of eager to join a certain group. Most people are willing to accept the same kind.
There is a premise for any relationship to be deep, that is to keep an open mind.
The action of trouble can tell others that I always keep an open social mentality, and I hope to develop a closer relationship with you through help.
Therefore, those who know how to trouble others can often go into more social circles and be welcomed by more people.
Youre worried that someone else will disturb you
But in fact, everyone needs to be in trouble
Do people really think that?
There is a story in the Autobiography of Franklin:
After Franklin was elected secretary of the State Council, a powerful member of Parliament opposed him all the time. For the sake of his future, he must find a way to get the support of the congressman.
After inquiry, Franklin learned that the congressman had a very small collection of books, which he regarded as treasures.
So Franklin wrote to each other, saying that he had a book he wanted to read, but he couldnt find it anywhere. He heard that he had one, and hoped to borrow it.
As a result, within a few days, the book was sent.
After this asking for help, the congressmans attitude towards Franklin improved greatly. He greeted him for the first time and even began to be willing to help him. Later, they became good friends.
Why did Franklin turn the enemy into the noble just by asking for help?
In fact, this is a reverse way to get contacts.
Asking for help is a compliment. Because people have the need of being needed, it can satisfy peoples need of respect and self realization.
In Franklins letter, the congressman received signals such as you have such a precious book, only you can help me. and the compliment came from the enemy, and the sense of achievement was self-evident.
So that Congressmans resistance to Franklin will decline and his favor will rise.
Because everyone has a complex of being a good teacher, your consultation or help will bring psychological satisfaction to the other party. In interpersonal communication, you can add points for yourself by asking for help.
So trouble others is actually an important means to provide others with a sense of value. In the process of solving your troubles, others will gain a sense of achievement.
Its not a bad thing to bother others, but the premise is that you have to know the right posture to bother others, or it will really become a hindrance.
How to become a high rank troublemaker?
Most of the time, the reason why you bother others is because its not the time:
Someone else was criticized by the leader and was so depressed that you came together to ask them to modify the PPT for you;
Its hard for others to be at home on weekends. You suddenly send wechat to arrange various tasks for each other
To ask for help at an inopportune time is tantamount to blocking people.
When you need to trouble others, dont have eye to see, know how to judge the situation, try to pick the time when the other party is not busy and in a good mood to make a request, if not urgent, dont trouble others after work and on weekends.
If you are not sure whether the other party is free, you can ask tentatively. Dont put forward your request as soon as you come up, leave a little room.
02 dont trouble others beyond the depth of your relationship
There is an issue in the fourth quarter of the wonderful flower talk. The question is is it a virtue not to bother others? when its the guests turn to speak, Cai Kangyong said a sentence:
My definition of trouble is very simple, that is, you need to squeeze your interpersonal relationship with that person. If your trouble goes beyond the depth of your relationship, you are adding trouble to others and making them difficult.
For example, if you are just an ordinary colleague, you open your mouth and borrow money from the other party, and the other party will be upset. Because the request of borrowing money goes beyond the depth of your relationship, in his view, it is to make trouble for him.
For example, if you are ill and your parents take care of you, it doesnt add to their burden, because they are your close relatives. But if you want your new friend to take care of you, they are likely to be reluctant.
The degree of troubling others should always be in direct proportion to the depth of your relationship, otherwise it will be very easy to embarrass or even disgust others.
03 learn to sort out troubles in advance and reduce the cost of others helping you
There is a golden rule in the workplace: when asking your boss for advice, try to ask him to do multiple choice questions instead of question and answer questions. Its the same with troubling others. You should learn to sort out troubles in advance to reduce the cost of other peoples trouble solving.
For example, if you want to ask others to give you some suggestions, you should do a good job of article layout in advance, check whether there is any typography, and see where there are sentence irregularities.
Make sure its OK, then send your article to the other party. Otherwise, its enough to see a disordered typesetting and wrong words and sentences. How can I help you.
04 emphasize the choice and not cause psychological burden to others
When troubling others, you should emphasize that your help is optional.
For example, after you have finished asking for help, you can sincerely say:
If its inconvenient for you, you dont have to think about it. It doesnt matter.
There will be a big difference between adding or not.
Without that, your message to others is that you must help me. At this time, the other party will have a lot of psychological pressure.
And with this sentence, the information received by others will become, help or not, and you can choose according to your own situation. This avoids the psychological burden on others.
Poet John Nunn said: no one is an island.
Human society, in the final analysis, is a huge network of relationships, that is, you need me, I need your sum, no one can always be isolated from the world, only rely on their own life.
Learning to trouble others is a basic skill for us to survive in the world. True relationship Gurus:
They all know how to make others know themselves better by troubling others;
Know how to promote relationships by troubling others to provide others with a sense of achievement;
Know how to get close to others and get help from others by troubling others.
Finally, I would like to quote a story of famous litterateur Mr. Hu Shi as the end of this article:
When Hushi was sent to Shanghai as a teenager to study and to the station, his mother said uneasily:
Youre going to a bigger world. I cant help you any more. Go wandering by yourself, but Ill give you four words - learn to ask for help.
This article is selected from the official account @ porridge left. Porridge zuoro, born in the 90s, has been evolving for five years since graduation. From a waiter to an entrepreneur, he is the author of learn to write, a writing lecturer with more than 100000 students, and a group of 8000 growth community founders. He firmly believes that growth is wealth, and that high-quality content can give you the power to grow upward. See authorized release.