But few people realize that a mature marriage must first experience three farewells: Farewell to the original family, farewell to the past, and farewell to honeymoon fantasy.
Only through these three farewells, can the two people really be together, and our relationship will become more healthy.
The intimate relationship without complete farewell is unclear and entangled.
This week, the family will write three articles to show you the three levels and functions of farewell, and teach you how to get through the difficult time of separation smoothly, and gain real intimacy through farewell.
Today, its the second in a series of before we get married, we all need to say goodbye three times: say goodbye to the past.
01: Farewell to the original family: because of my mother-in-law, we are divorced
02: Farewell to the past: Shadow predecessor, ruined our marriage
03: Farewell to honeymoon Fantasy: never thought that the first quarrel after marriage would end in divorce
Shadow predecessors, destroy our marriage
After being with Lu Zhiwei, I really realized what is called no contrast, no harm.
And I am the one who was always compared with his predecessor by Lu Zhiwei and was completely injured.
When I first got together, I didnt think Lu Zhiwei was any worse than his predecessor, because I also read some books and knew that everyones favorite objects would be somewhat similar.
For example, girls Gong Li and Zhang Ziyi are of the same type, and I have seen photos of Zhang Yimous daughter-in-law, and I feel very similar to these two people.
Its the same with myself. When I chose Lu Zhiwei, I felt that he was attracted because of his unspeakable resemblance to his predecessor.
So I dont mind mentioning my predecessor occasionally.
Besides, what is the predecessor? Time will dilute everything. Im sure that he is the one who finally lives in his heart. Why bother with a person in memory.
However, I was naive.
After getting married, Lu Zhiwei started a new round of PK between me and his predecessor, and the sword went to the wrong side.
Before, he was better than me. He said that I had many advantages that his predecessors did not have, so he loved me more.
Now, hes comparing me to his predecessor.
What she is very gentle, not as fast as I used to be; what she is dexterous, not like I cant wear a needle or thread well; what she always knows him very well, not like Im always careless
Say that once or twice, I will bear it, just as nostalgia.
But time after time, back to the heart, I really want to collapse.
I used to be very confident. When I was compared by him, I suddenly felt like I was really bad.
I dont like to do housework. I think its OK to find hourly work. As a result, on that day, he didnt know which tendon didnt match. He said that he couldnt bear it any more. The reason was: Xiaoyue (his predecessor) is so diligent that he never let me live in a dogs nest.
If he says that he likes to be clean and tidy up together, I might try my best to overcome it. Now Im moving my ex out, and Im blasting:
People are married. Are you suitable to shout in a small moon? Besides, no matter how well she tidies up, she is also someone elses wife, and has nothing to do with you.
Mei Zhaobei, what do you mean? Xiaoyue never dared to talk back to me like this.
Xiaoyue, shes good. You can go with her and marry me!
Later, we finally stopped quarreling and went out happily. He could say, Xiao Yue likes to come here with me. its really beautiful.
Since he cant live without his predecessor, I can only make him my predecessor.
u2605 entangle with old love and become a victim at present
This is a case of the party cannot say goodbye to the old love.
The parties like to move out their old love and deal with all kinds of situations in the relationship.
If he thinks the present is good, he sets off her good with the old love; if he thinks the present is bad, he maps her bad with the old love.
He lacks the ability to fight directly with the current one, so he keeps his old love in the middle of them again and again, and finally pushes the relationship to alienation and rupture.
u2605 characteristics of this kind of divorce: old love is a tool to deal with emotions
As a partner of this kind of people, the most complaints are he always brings up old love, it must be the last love, not completely separated.
Sometimes, however, this may not be the case.
It is not necessarily because of love that the parties are entangled with the old love in their hearts. Maybe they are just used to comparison and need to use old love as a reference.
When they were little, they were probably used to being compared with their parents, brothers and sisters, neighbors and children, classmates and friends
When they grow up, they also habitually compare their current love with their old love, and continue this tradition of mutual harm.
u2605 improvement index: medium
But different from the first type, the first kind of people are more close to the giant baby psychologically. If they leave their families, they will lose their sense of security like a child and cause heavy anxiety.
In contrast, people like Lu Zhiwei are more independent and able to deal with emotional problems on their own. However, their means are too single and lack of multi-level response strategies.
In this way, you dont have to keep pushing your ex out as a shield. Whats more, we should talk more with others and see our love comparison.
Once they understand how annoying they are, change will follow.
u2605 let go of past feelings: the key is not to forget
When finding out that your partner will never forget their old love, many people will think of urging them to forget and not to think about the past.
The more you are not allowed to think, the more vivid you will be.
Great losses need mourning.
Its easy for a person who has experienced a major loss to get stuck in the first and second stages.
For example, the hero of this article is stuck in the denial stage.
At this time, the partner must reject the contrast, urge him to break the illusion, and at the same time give him enough care and company, so that he has the courage to accept the reality.
The bereaved will experience intense emotional outbursts: crying, anger, self blame, feeling empty, abandoned, powerless
At this time, the partner needs to have enough stability, keep calm and understanding in the overwhelming emotions, and help him through the stage of emotional outburst.
In the third stage, the loser will often give people the feeling of retrogression, because he will start to swing between the past fantasy and reality.
He would think of his predecessors good, but found that no matter how good, he gradually lost the magic of the past. He will be very disappointed to find that: everything has changed, the original happy time really passed.
At this time, the partner needs to accommodate his retrogression and give more support when he returns to reality.
In the fourth stage, the partner will feel the change of the loser.
He is no longer man in front, soul in the sky. On the contrary, when the past pain is released, he will pay more attention to the people around him and try to feel everything new.
At this time, what the partner needs to do is to encourage him to talk freely about his desire for marriage and work with him to create the future.
The intimacy established in this situation will be real and strong.