How are you in the epidemic? Im ok. How about you? Im fine, too.
This is communication.
But theres another version of communication that really tests us all.
my bad. You know what? ... Im not happy. I feel its very difficult to spend this time. ... I feel anxious and insecure. ......
In this version, each ellipsis contains the unmet communication needs of someone.
We can share happiness with each other, but when we express negative emotions, we often dont get the response from the closest person.
So in a limited scope, the needs of communication and heart to heart talk are put on the other half.
Of course, we usually have such communication needs for the other half, but when you cant go out to find your good friends and colleagues to meet your communication needs by talking, the need for heart to heart put on the other half will become more urgent.
I once wrote an article called, the comment area is also very active. Many people left a message saying that this sentence spoke to their hearts.
u2014u2014In fact, what they need is not a person to solve their troubles, but a person to talk about them with. In this talk, we can listen, understand, empathize and accept each other.
But the reason why there is such an article is also enough to prove that it is not easy to face up to your communication needs and express clearly, I need to talk about my feelings with you..
And today, I want to continue that article and say another level that I havent finished - what will happen after expression?
Can we get the communication we want?
no, it isnt.
We also need to see the truth that in a close relationship, even if we repeatedly ask for communication, it will not necessarily be met.
She is the mother of two children and a professional woman. She holds an important position in the company, so after returning to work, her work is actually very heavy.
But also because of the epidemic, the two children wrote homework in online classes, and this kind of after-school counseling task was given to parents, of course, she also needs to take this responsibility.
During this time, she has been running between the roles of mother and professional woman, and she says she feels very tired.
There were days when she came home and the real idea was to lie in bed and do nothing.
But she knew it couldnt be because there were so many things to deal with by herself.
In the consultation, she told me that what she wanted was for her husband to be able to listen to her talk about these internal feelings and thoughts, and to listen to her talk about her own fatigue and pressure.
However, when she tells her husband about her troubles, such as Im tired, I want to lie down, and I dont want to do anything, her husband will only say, Im upset that you say so. Can you not always tell me such things?
Perhaps, even worse than the sense of isolation, what makes her feel uncomfortable is that in her husbands words, she does not only fail to get the listening, understanding, empathy and acceptance she wants, but also gets a very direct push away.
I dont want to hear what Mr. a said.
Why cant my husband communicate with me in an understandable and acceptable manner? In fact, I have told him very directly and calmly that I dont need you to help me solve these problems. All I need is that you can listen to me.
This is not an isolated story.
In real life, in many family scenes, we often face such a situation - even if our demand for each other is just listen to me, it cant be satisfied.
Because, listen to me, its much harder to talk about the negative things, the unsolvable contradictions and the bad emotions than to provide you with a simple solution and a direct point of view.
After all, the person who listens to you must have the ability to catch up with what you say.
When a child feels tired from studying, feels powerless in class, and is always unable to achieve better results, he actually hopes that his mother can understand and hold his feelings; what he needs is that his mother tells him it doesnt matter, that she can understand you, and that she can bear this bad part with you.
But many times, we dont have such a mother, because when we express like this, the mother is more unstable than the child, afraid and anxious.
Expressing negative emotions is the need of ones communication.
Need this partner to be strong in heart, can see each others weakness, but not be involved in this weakness, can empathize with her inner conflict, but not simply rough intervention, can help each other to digest her uncertainty, worry, anxiety.
Only with such ability can people get a deep understanding and become a good listener.
Its not easy to have a mother who has the function of a mother.
Similarly, its not easy to find a mother like partner.
Most of our mothers, perhaps in this part of understanding and listening to empathic children, are below the pass line, or even lower, with only a score of 120,
How can a child raised by such a mother cross the brand of this generations original family and become an understanding and listener with full psychological energy?
Under the epidemic situation, when we are isolated from the outside world and stay in the family as a cell of the society, our need for communication in the relationship, as well as such a contradiction and pain that the need cannot be met, will be highlighted.
Of course, we need to face up to our own needs. There is nothing wrong with the needs. We also need to see the pain that the needs are not met. This lack is real and it is necessary to express it clearly.
But we also need to see that if the other side of the relationship cant meet your need to express negative emotions, it may not be that he doesnt want to, but that he doesnt have the ability.
If your mother doesnt have the ability to accept your worry or not, your partner may be the same. Although he is not as vulnerable as your mother, he is not as strong as you think.
Maybe, he could listen to you very well, but maybe, its because the hormone reaction under passion makes him excited, maybe his relationship with you was not so safe and reliable at that time, he was very afraid to let you down out of subconscious flattery. (brain mending your own act of pleasing others)
But marriage is a long-term relationship, a daily relationship, which makes us more real because of our safety and intimacy.
If he can hold a negative attitude at all times in a stable and even retreating marriage, then his heart must be like a container to hold.
The difficulty of holding is always to hold the negative parts, hold the problems you cant solve, hold your imperfections and mistakes, even hold the reality we cant solve and have to face.
This is our strongest demand in communication, but precisely because it conveys negative emotions and negative emotions, it is difficult to be satisfied, understood, listened to and digested in communication.
Many times, our partners are also in a state of not being able to fully grow up, and they are not raised by a functional mother when they are young.
So they did not develop such a holding space in the inner part of personality, and they did not have such a container in their heart.
And relatively speaking, when encountering uncomfortable things, women are more willing to let themselves relax in the way of speaking, just like nagging can slowly digest these emotions;
But men are more afraid to face these negative things directly. Men cant nag, cant nag, cant say they cant do it.
So a lot of times, a mans response is either to propose solutions or to leave directly. More seriously, it may even be very aggressive to block you back.
Its like when we watch a mobile phone play, we may see a line saying, the following content will cause your extreme comfort. Then we will say, Im looking forward to watching it. But if the line becomes the following content may cause your extreme discomfort, then maybe you will turn off this webpage immediately.
The negative emotions in communication, the expression of negative emotions, are sometimes extremely uncomfortable for the listening party.
Yes, when we express those bad feelings, we are already uncomfortable. We are eager to get the understanding of each other and listen, just like a good mother, to accompany around and help us digest;
But in fact, the challenge of communication lies in:
These expressions, to the other side, he also really felt his discomfort, discomfort that he really cant do just listen to it. He may have to cut out the content, close the pictures he doesnt want to see and walk away.
Write at the end:
Its like I started a question and didnt answer one.
The reason is that this is an unanswered question.
There is nothing wrong with our need to be heard.
However, this demand may not be satisfied by the other party, but it is also a fact, for some reasons, and it may not be able to change well soon.
Facing such an unanswerable problem is exactly a testu2014u2014
Can you understand whats going on in this, or simply define it as that the other person is bad, he doesnt love me enough, and even the world is bad and indifferent?
I can understand my visitors communication needs, as well as her sadness and loss.
But I also helped her to see what happened to her husband.
When we see that maybe we dont understand each other well, maybe we dont meet each others needs well, your world will be integrated at that moment.
When we can see and talk about a bad or imperfect relationship,
When we see not only ourselves, but also others,
Its not a perfect solution, but its a real complete feeling..
Its a big leap to stay in the relationship with an integrated attitude of seeing each other.
Original standard: is there anyone who can share your negative emotions?
Take courage to open the black box so that the light can come in.
Only by changing your cognition can you change your life.
I hope you can find the right way to open up your self and relationship as soon as possible.