I am such a person. Whenever I encounter setbacks, I am hit, or even my own interests are violated by others, my first task is not to solve the problem, but to open up a circle of friends and write down a paragraph full of complaints. The core content is: I cant, Im rubbish, I dont deserve it, I deserve it.
If there is a group of people in the world who feel good about themselves, they should always be upright. Then I am another kind of person. Whenever I attack myself, I feel that everything is my fault.
I really hate myself.
I really realized that the disadvantage of this kind of behavior comes from a senior I met during my internship.
At that time, the company asked me to take charge of a project. I had no way to start, no learning, no thinking. If the project is delayed, the customer will ask for a replacement.
During that time, my circle of friends was full of self deprecating words. For those who just worked, it was very common to punch in cards every day. Others were quiet and good. In the future, I would just say, overtime, scolded again, I cant, ha ha ha.
I thought I did a good job in grouping, but I missed a colleague.
One night, just after my routine of abusing myself, I received a private letter from her saying, dont hate yourself anymore.
She asked me what was the matter, so I wrote a lot of mess, nearly a thousand words, and devalued myself to nothing.
In the face of peoples sudden concern, in fact, I dont care. All my words are emotional vent. I thought, this guy is no different from others, just saying such nonsense as youre fine and you can do it.
I didnt expect that after sending it to her, she cut off a picture and crossed out all the parts of my comments, leaving only one sentence: I really dont know the expression technique required by the customer.
She also replied to me: you wont, ask us, Ill teach you.
In a word, it took me less than a week to solve my problem.
Self loathing? It seems really unnecessary.
I know. Im not alone.
When vulnerable, people tend to attack themselves: Why me? Why am I like this? Cant I? Is it my garbage?
At the beginning, it was a question sentence, and over time it became a statement of affirmative sentence.
Attacking oneself means not aiming at ones specific behavior, but denying oneself as ones own.
Whats wrong with that?
It allows you to focus entirely on attacking yourself and ignoring the real problems.
Its very easy to do this. It doesnt need to make substantive changes. It seems that there is a good attitude, which is useless in essence.
When I went to school, there were such students in my class. I was one of them. My grades were very poor, but my posture was good. I always liked self-criticism. The teacher commented that although my grades were not good, I was very hardworking and sensible.
Its hard to say its a positive assessment, but its not a negative assessment at least. In the face of people who like to belittle themselves and attack themselves, the attitude of the outside world is generally tolerant and gentle.
Hate yourself is really hate yourself, not to make substantive action is really not moving, said extreme point, now in retrospect, stay in place, very comfortable.
Its hard for people who are I cant to focus on things, so they miss the opportunity to make changes.
I have gone through a long and painful process from a self confessed garbage person to recyclable garbage, and then to a person who is not garbage.
First, avoid evaluating yourself.
I didnt do well in the exam. Others did well in the exam. I cant. Im such a trash.
The first two sentences are objective descriptions. From the third sentence, it is self attack.
Another disadvantage of attacking self is that it can make people lose faith. In fact, the most important thing is their own views on themselves. Every I cant is a hint that over time people will become depressed and lose their motivation to move forward.
Then, self attack is more or less a description, but it is one-sided. In another way, am I really a garbage? Some garbage can be recycled.
So I learned to weaken my attacks.
For example, Im a garbage, and Im a recyclable garbage. Combined with specific events, for example, I didnt do well in the exam because I was careless, not because of my garbage. I cant do the project because I dont want to consult others, not because I really cant.
Later, I told myself that I would discuss matters on their own and not use them for others.
All thinking stops at the thing itself, and the advantage of doing so is, I didnt do well in the exam. Others did well in the exam. The idea after that is what I should do to make me do well in my next test.
I do it consciously. I often make a mind map on paper instead of letting my mind diverge and greeting my family.
Second, stay away from the same people and the people who hurt you.
Most of the people who have self attack will be friends with the same people.
When I went to school, I knew a friend. He was almost like me. His heart was higher than heaven and his life was thinner than paper. In terms of self-evaluation, I feel that he is too dominant in the world. When I was still in the stage of I cant, he had already evolved to the second stage of all this is just my destiny as garbage.
In this persons self disgust, I even noticed a trace of decadent aesthetics.
This is not the most deadly, the most deadly is that in my cry of garbage, I seem to find a community and get a little comfort.
Finally, he went to Peking University. It turns out that this man is just decadent on the surface, trying secretly.
Well, these people are all like this.
Then stay away from the people who hurt you.
When I met a so-called university personality teacher, I sent a circle of friends to say that he was rubbish, and he replied that it was true. In class he would say that I was the dumbest student he had ever brought.
How to say, in the self suggestion of Im rubbish, I dont care about the insults from the outside world. Instead, I feel that the teacher is right. Im rubbish, which in turn strengthens my dislike of myself.
Sometimes I think, if I met a gentle person at that time, would my later path be different?
Finally, learn to accept a little sadness, accept a little fact.
In fact, those who attack themselves are only in the pursuit of perfection, unable to extricate themselves from the harsh criticism of themselves, and have lost the ability of counter attack.
To give an inappropriate example, depression is not sadness, but not enough sadness.
Depression patients have no feelings, no happiness, no sadness.
So, sometimes, when you are a little depressed, the doctor will advise you to cry.
At the end of the day, most mental illness comes from the rejection of reality, even if that is the reality we need to accept as human beings.
Therefore, some patients with depression may not have depression if they do not suppress their sadness at first.
Analogy to self loathing, I think we should learn to accept our imperfections, not the superficial acceptance. Yes, I am a garbage is the superficial free and easy.
But I know that behind this free and easy you must be full of sorrow, you must have a very hard life.
I also know that what you need most is not a you are good, but I understand you.
Dont hate yourself any more. Life has no end. You are not alone.