So, before you decide to save it, you can ask yourself a question: save the other party, is everything really over?
Why is it that after the betrayal, peoples unconscious choice is to recover? This is actually a kind of instinct, just like a thing that belongs to oneself is about to be lost, and everyone will retrieve it instinctively. The deeper psychological cognitive structure is due to:
The betrayal of feelings, let oneself fall into a kind of complete uneasiness and loss. At this time, there is a deviation in self cognition. I think that as long as I redeem my feelings, I can solve my sense of security, I can no longer lose myself, and everything will be back on track, just like nothing happened, just a dream.
But, of course, its not that simple.
People are always used to focusing on their most concerned parts and ignoring other parts; however, when the most concerned part is solved, those parts that are ignored will become the new most concerned parts and highlight them.
In the moment of betrayal, the most important part is the integrity of marriage, the repair of feelings, and the turning back of TA. Of course, at this time, other parts are not important, and they are ignored. Even you may think that other parts are not important at all, and they are not questions at all.
Thats why many people are so committed to recovery. The more committed they are to recovery, the more likely they are to be people who still havent been recovered in reality.
Once this goal is achieved, for example, the other party does turn around, completely ends the betrayal, and the marriage starts to get back on track, you think its all over. However, you will soon find that new problems arise again. The pain and tangle are not completely ended because of TAs turning back.
At this time, the real harm of betrayal to you, the elimination of betrayal and other lessons really start - not because these are not problems before, but because these problems before are blocked behind the recovery, so you dont see and realize.
You will find that although the TA has been saved, it is not the original TA. It has become strange and cannot be trusted. It is also difficult for two people to get along with each other as before. They have nothing to talk about and are close to each other. On the contrary, there are more estrangements and strangeness, politeness or embarrassment.
Betrayal is a kind of injury to yourself, of course. When you face TA every day, if you dont control yourself well, if you face TA ten times, five times, you may recall the pain you once suffered. If you dont see TA, you are upset when you see him Then, you dont know what to do.
One thing is that we have to understand and accept the reality. That is, the result of betrayal is that you think that the former TA, in fact, is not ta. This sentence is a little convoluted. Lets explain it clearly:
Before you experience betrayal, you must trust TA, and you dont think that TA will betray - this is your understanding of TA; after you experience betrayal, Ta is not trustworthy, cant be trusted, and TA will betray itself - this is the conclusion of reality.
So, which one do you accept?
The reason why you choose to redeem is that your cognition stays in the past. After redeeming, you find that you still have a bad time is because your cognition has accepted the later conclusion - therefore, your heart is always in contradiction and conflict, which cannot be coordinated, which is the reason why you still have a bad life after redeeming.
I have always stressed that after a betrayal of marriage, there is no real restoration, only a new start - whether to continue marriage or to end marriage is not the most important and fundamental issue. Whats more, you need to know each other again, love and marriage again, of course, including yourself - marriage is not perfect To continue marriage, we need to accept what happened, we need to accept the person who betrayed us. If we cant accept it, divorce is salvation.
Then, the final question is of course: a betrayal of their own people, if left, you will really want it? Can you really accept the betrayal of TA? Have you ever had such a period in the course of accepting feelings?
If you can, you can choose to recover; if you cant, you dont have to wrestle with yourself; if you dont know, you should take some time to think about it.