How can I comfort my friends when they are sexually assaulted?

 How can I comfort my friends when they are sexually assaulted?

Due to the length, the following questions are not released.

But in fact, the point-to-point process of answering questions and solving doubts is the most important dry goods!

Lets see if our confusion has been solved~


What is the correct expression of anger?

What is a reasonable and unemotional way to express anger?

Ke Han: I think this question is quite meaningful.

When you express your emotions, how can you express your true emotions and opinions without being overly sensitive or emotional?

First of all, we need to think about, if we say that a person is too sensitive, too emotional, what is the performance of the other party?

Generally speaking, it may be that the volume is increased, or the hands and feet are dancing, there are many redundant actions, and there are many unclear expressions; and more emotional, it may be wailing, crying and so on. Of course, we dont mean we cant cry, but crying will affect your expression.

When this happens, its hard for men, not just women, to hear what you want to say. So when you are angry, you still need to control your performance at that time.

Fortunately, women are usually better at anger management than men, so women are more able to express themselves easily. We need to repeatedly emphasize our own needs in the dialogue, and do not give up any opportunity to educate each other. This sentence means that when you emphasize your needs, you should also express to each other that it is a very reasonable thing for me to express anger.


How can victims of domestic violence rebuild trust in intimacy? I feel that most of the men I meet are not trustworthy.

Ke Han: if you have experienced domestic violence, seriously speaking, it is really psychological trauma. First of all, I think you should go to see psychological counseling. You need the help of professional people.

From the perspective of cognitive behavior, you have some unreasonable beliefs, which leads to the loss of general trust. You need some specific therapies to help you to solve these unreasonable beliefs.

When this stage is over, there is another way to expand your circle.

You think that the men you contact now are not trustworthy, maybe because they are not so trustworthy. You can live in a different place, a place with a large cultural difference, and contact different people.

Picture / golden picking

As the chaos evil faction, I have another idea. You can also think about it, that is to ask yourself, do you really need intimacy?

Intimacy, such as love, is a part of our human relationship. If there is, of course, it is very good, but not all of us end up with a partner. Life without a regular partner is also a way of life.

You can expand your circle of friends, make more connections, and become a single woman without a regular partner. You can also try not to build a regular relationship. If you dont want to keep trusting men, dont trust them until you find a comfortable way.

In addition, if you think men are not trustworthy, you can try girls.


In addition to breaking up, there is no better way to meet the moral kidnapping of intimacy?

Ke Han: I think this question is a little too vague. What is the specific situation?

My understanding is that in a close relationship, the moral abduction of you depends on how serious you think it is.

If the other side can communicate, you can try to communicate with him slowly, and say to him, your moral kidnapping makes me uncomfortable, and I cant trust you. I think we should trust each other in our intimate relationship. We should talk about respect, equality and feelings, rather than using moral kidnapping to keep me by your side and so on.

Its hard to generalize about whether to break up or not.


Sometimes, after expressing my emotions calmly, some people will directly ignore my emotional expression and my needs, which makes me even more crazy.

Ke Han: for this question, I think you can appropriately express your emotions more strongly. Because you know in our culture, we are not very good at expressing emotions, and we have not trained to read each others emotions in the past, which may require some mutual education.

If you express your emotions calmly and the other person cant read them, you may express them too calmly.

Calm expression doesnt mean to erase all traces of emotion. You just change some superficial behaviors, that is, dont scream or cry so much that the other party cant hear you clearly.

You can say it in a very low voice, but a very loud voice;

You can also say it harshly and show anger on your face;

You can also say it over and over again. It makes me angry to say something like this. Make sure that the other person understands your emotions.


After many times of sexual harassment, the male group is in a state of distrust. They want to learn drivers license and boxing, but they are not willing to accept male coaches. They lack a sense of security. How to break it?

Ke Han: I think these specific needs can be avoided. For example, if you dont accept male coaches, there should be female boxing coaches, right?

If you cant find it, can you bring a friend to practice with you?

In this way, you will feel more secure, and then gradually build up the adaptation to this situation.


In the face of the impertinence and disregard of the female leaders (for example, when my students face me and roll their eyes, I dont even greet me as if I havent seen them, and squint at me in the face of other teachers), I feel deeply hurt. What should I do?

Ke Han: in our daily work, we may all have contact with female leaders who are moody. I am not the party concerned, so its hard to say whether you can communicate with each other about this matter. But you can think, when you meet such a person, is her attitude important to your own interests?

If its not important, its just her attitude that makes you unhappy. In fact, it has no impact on your rating and assessment. I think you can put her attitude aside first.

On the other hand, no matter what the other party does, we must make ourselves satisfied.

Even if the other party is very rude to you, if you treat the other party in a way that you think is acceptable, such as being neither humble nor arrogant, or getting along with the other party in a reasonable way, at least you can accept yourself.

Dont let how others treat you affect how you treat others.


When I was a child, I grew up with my grandparents. My parents were not around. When I was an adult, I often felt lack of love and could not master my lovers ability. I always felt a sense of distance. What should I do?

Ke Han: those who are not used to expressing love can be improved in many ways.

For example, you can try to fall in love, talk more, and get used to being close to someone. You can fall in love with people who are very close to you. You can also train your ability to establish close relationship with people by making friends.

As I have mentioned in many articles before, adult attachment type is not fixed, and attachment type can be changed the day after tomorrow.

If you establish unsafe attachment in childhood, you can change your attachment type slowly through teachers, relatives and friends in the later period, which is hopeful.

I think its more important not to solidify yourself in a label. Peoples state changes all the time.


As a friend, how to comfort women who are sexually assaulted?

Ke Han: accept the emotion of the other party and tell the other party that she did nothing wrong.

Support but do not judge, and actively encourage her to seek professional psychological help.


I once tried to express my emotions according to some psychology related books, and was told by others that I was dead.

Very angry, very sad.

Does this need more practice? Can more practice make it natural?

Ke Han: first, the expression of emotions really needs practice, and it will naturally change if you are used to expressing emotions;

Second, the other side says that you are very unkind, and that they dont / cant accept other peoples emotions.

Dont just self-criticism, more affirmation, at least you are consciously trying.


Ke Han Hao! Id like to know how to deal with gender violence in the online world, for example, because womens rights are attacked, for example, womens identity in the debate becomes the handle of swearing, for example, the face of being attacked.

Ke Han: no one should be subjected to gender violence.

Dealing with gender violence is similar to dealing with other kinds of violence, avoiding it and pulling black at the same time; resisting it and telling the other party that he is a fool, then pulling black again.

Gender and appearance attack is the lowest. Its only when IQ is not high. Its not worth pestering. Pull black.


Hello, I am a boy. I met a girl on the Internet. I like her, but I dare not speak. Not long ago, she suddenly asked me if I liked her? I said yes, she said she did, and then she said that she was drunk and sexually assaulted.

When talking to me about this, she was very excited and said a lot, mainly to express self reproach, fear and pain. She also asked me to delete her many times, as if she didnt know her, for fear that she would drag me down.

When I went to her city, she said she didnt want to see me, didnt want to contact me again, and told me not to bother her anymore. I also intermittently expressed concern and suggested that she go to the hospital for examination, but no response was received.

When my friend and I confided in this matter, I didnt express my concern and comfort, and I criticized and questioned her more. Although I apologized later, I was also a little too eager to care. In a word, I didnt do my job well.

I dont know how much harm my actions will do to her, and so far, I dont know her current situation, whether she has talked with her family or other people, whether she has asked for help from the outside world, and so on.

Excuse me?

1) in this case, what does she need most?

2) what can I do for her if she doesnt want to contact me now and wants to end the relationship with me? As a friend or as a boyfriend? I dont know in what capacity Id be best involved in this.

3) I dont want to give up this relationship and leave her at the most difficult time, but what if she pushes me away?

Ke Han: first of all, instead of asking the other party whats the situation now, what should you do? I think you should first ask yourself whether you have enough understanding and acceptance of her encounter, and whether your attitude is firm?

Whether your own attitude is firm or not is a basis for your expression.

Because expression is not a script, not a beautiful way to speak, it is the embodiment of your inner thoughts. You need to support each others ideas, think from her point of view, and think thoroughly before you can express them clearly.

No more silence

Second, I dont seem to see that you have established a relationship with her.

If you havent already, of course you are his friend. If you have determined the relationship, it doesnt matter, but I think that for this girl, the priority is not whether you have a boyfriend, but whether you can give her support as an admirer. So I think you might as well put down your identity and consider how to support her first.

Third, I think youve thought about it very clearly. You dont want to give up. You dont want to leave her when shes most sad. But in fact, building a relationship is a matter of both sides. Thats not to say that you dont want to give up. This relationship will never end.

My suggestion is that she is now in a psychological weak position and her decision should be the main one.

If she really doesnt want to build a relationship with her boyfriend and girlfriend, can you accept the support of her friend relationship? This is a question you have to ask yourself.

Ke Han: Well, its time. Thats it. Thank you~