There is a story: a little boy asked his father curiously, Dad, what is war? The father replied with great interest, Oh, war, is a war between the two sides. For example, a few years ago, the United States bombed Iraq on a large scale because of its sanctions on Iraq to engage in nuclear weapons... The anxious mother interposed, what are you talking about? Did you tell the child that? That war was clearly launched by the United States to control Iraqs oil and dominate the world. Drink, you are so good! You know world politics, too? What do you say! Dont think you know everything. You dont know whos right and whos wrong in such a big war. You should educate the children. You are wrong, I think it must be right. You are wrong! You men are always so conceited! Hey, why do you always like to blow one? Because you always think youre right, others are wrong. Thats right for you The husband and wife continued to face each other, blushing and thick necked. At this time, the child suddenly said to them, Oh, Dad, I know what war is.
This story leads to the following thoughts:
First, the conflict between husband and wife due to differences reflects the aggressive connection. No matter what the nature of the war and the extent of the fight, it is an act of mutual attack. According to the understanding of mental dynamics, aggression is human instinct, the most primitive instinct, and it is the basis of all emotional relationships between people. There is no relationship conflict without aggression, such as tree and tree, they only have peace and loneliness with it.
Why is the relationship between husband and wife so fragile in all interpersonal relationships? In fact, it is not generally understood that love is not deep or not true, but a long-term, fixed, narrow relationship between husband and wife, destined to become the main carrier of human instinct aggressive release. In addition, peoples sociality also causes people to transfer their emotional frustration and aggressive repression in social relations to a safer marriage. Therefore, aggression has become a major feature of maintaining the relationship between husband and wife, but in this form, the emotional things are suppressed and the taste of emotion is avoided.
Second, fight for the right. Conflicts between husband and wife arise from differences, the most common of which are differences in personality, thinking mode, values and living habits. These differences tend to form disputes and conflicts with the increase of marriage age. From the perspective of appearance, the conflict between husband and wife is a contest between right and wrong. In essence, the dispute shows that both husband and wife are unreasonable or wrong to be extremely angry with each other. But if you want to say wrong, both sides are wrong because there is no wrong. If there is a real mistake, it is right, and the two sides will not be in conflict. Because, if one party is really wrong, first of all, he will consciously make a mistake because of his mistake. The psychology of making a mistake is that he is weak hearted and timid, and will not have the impulse to fight back. Secondly, the attitude of the wrong side will make the other side feel that it has won, so the fight will lose the equal motivation of hate, and the conflict will not form.
Most husband and wife know that the fight is caused by differences. There is no right or wrong, but the war does not subside because they understand the truth. They can also understand that the conflict is very tiring and painful, but it does not change the relationship because of the tiredness. Does this show that there is an unconscious motivation for the conflict between husband and wife? Is there harmony behind the conflict?
Fighting is to express ones grievance and the truth of existence in the form of attack. Fighting for truth or truth seems to be the basic life form of human beings. From the age of 2-3, everyone has been educated by various principles in his environment. The quality of reasoning has been cast into a persons personality structure. Two different consanguinity, different personality characteristics, different value orientation of the opposite sex into the marriage day and night coexistence, naturally has too many conflict foundation and opportunity. Fear of irrationality is almost the collective unconscious complex of Chinese people, because Chinas long culture indoctrinates people with the most reason to be human. People know the importance of justice and laws. To abide by and maintain them means that you are right. To violate them means that you make mistakes and must be punished for them. In fact, all the things that people should obey are the principles created by culture, including various laws and regulations, authority figures, authority consciousness, etc., which all represent truth. A child is right and safe only when he obeys all kinds of principles. He can avoid the dangers of accusation, punishment and abandonment. The conflict between husband and wife also represents a lot of conflicts in interpersonal relationship. Its deep motivation is the desire to be right, and the desire for the relationship characters to accept themselves as very right.
In many relationships, its not hard to find that people are always fighting for the right. There is a pair of friends, keen on psychology, for a professional problem in the online fierce fight. Friend a said: manic depression is not a mental illness, but emotional mental disorder; friend B said: manic depression must be a mental illness, otherwise, why should people with manic depression go to a mental hospital for treatment? Because they are very persistent, and so firm that their views are correct and the other side is wrong, in order to defend the strong impulse and enthusiasm of the correctness of psychological theory, they would not hesitate to use the most incisive and sharp language to attack the other side violently.
If we stand at the height of AB and AB, we will find that two people who conflict for the truth are actually right, but their understanding of manic depression is not complete, because manic depression belongs to the emotional mental disorder in psychosis. But we can further see that the remarkable feature (motive force) of the struggle between people is: the truth cannot be blasphemed! The correctness cannot be distorted!
Third, the impact of marital conflict on children. If the conflict fights for the right, it not only shows that they are all right, and they are hit correctly, but also shows their past experiences of negation and censure caused by not right. There is a sad experience of not being accepted. Their hearts have already buried a strong desire for understanding and identification. Such a person is particularly sensitive to others evaluation of himself in adult interpersonal relationships, and is also very easy to argue or be true.
Children are the most negatively affected by the constant fighting between husband and wife. As a child whose personality development is in a critical period, he not only understands what is war, but also may misinterpret the meaning of love expression in the relationship. In other words, the child cannot learn what is the expression of respect and love at all.
The environment of struggle is an environment of full reasoning in a injurious way, and the language environment of too many theoretical principles has a suppression on the inner world of children. Chinese parents are very rational, especially good at telling their children all kinds of should and shouldnt. For children, rationality symbolizes a kind of tyranny. It has a kind, correct and helpful mask. It has long and chronic engulfed the rich imagination, creative thinking and feelings for nature of children, especially harming their independent and independent personality development.
Children know the world by feeling, not by reason. Its easy to form a solid memory and psychological impression on their emotional experience and feeling experience. Only countless beneficial experiences can make children grow up without inner conflict and willing to accept the growth mode that needs to pay a price. We can imagine that in a marriage that lacks emotional communication, rational expansion, persistent correctness and error correction, the future of a child may be the next version of his parents.
Fourth, the division of reason and sensibility. If the conflict between husband and wife goes on, it can present a circular route: fight for differences - fight for correctness - expand differences for fighting - fight for bigger mistakes - enter the conflict cycle of expanding differences.
The so-called vicious circle means that the content of the conflict between husband and wife has a qualitative vicious change, such as the occurrence of violence, extramarital affairs, retaliatory harm, etc. the further the good relationship goes, the more the hostile and aggressive relationship becomes. As long as we fall into the cycle of expanding differences due to fighting, the feelings, warmth and other elements of marriage will disappear. All that remains is full of grievances and reasons, and vow to fight unremittingly for justice, recovery and revenge for each others sins with super rationality.
Love and hate are the driving forces that connect and attract relationships. In a conflict relationship between husband and wife that cannot be dissolved, the attraction behind the relationship is the desire for revenge for their right suffering trauma (the right here, not only refers to right or reasonable, it includes all kinds of wishes and requirements that a person considers reasonable). Their subconscious tells each other: my trauma cannot be separated from you, but also must be treated by you. In addition, each may have the emotional characteristics of unconscious deep attachment. Otherwise, the couple can not be so conflict and pain willing to let themselves stay in the marriage. Of course, it doesnt rule out that some couples cant face the reality of divorce and can only be helpless in marriage due to practical reasons or weak personality.
Coordination of marital conflict:
1. Accept the difference. There is a conflict, and there is a way to coordinate the conflict. Your view of the conflict is the way to solve the conflict. For example, if you let the noise or dispute exist and regard it as life itself, it does not constitute a conflict that affects your relationship.
If conflicts arise from differences, then accepting differences is the fundamental way to solve them. How to accept the difference and whether to accept the difference involves the cognition and cultivation level of the husband and wife. This requires that both husband and wife or one party can realize that difference is the necessity of existence and their own truth. Changing it means losing the truth of people, accepting it, respecting the natural attributes of people; being able to perceive their own truth and needs, as well as the truth and needs of the other party; being able to think of the meaning of difference: being right, and being able to be calm To accept the difference, do not change it, let the difference coexist peacefully. What differences can also be negotiated to reduce? What differences can be changed? This requires both sides to have a peaceful and consultative attitude. When people and hearts can sit down, there will be consultation.
2. Understanding and identification. Understanding is an old and common topic. It seems simple, but actually it is very mysterious. People need to understand, just as common as they need to eat, but peoples acquisition or satisfaction of understanding is as rare and difficult as the mountain delicacies and game. The conflict and struggle of interpersonal relationship, in the final analysis, is the slander of not being understood, which is the result of the frustration of the basic need of human understanding. The relationship between husband and wife is based on the emotional needs of the connection, in terms of differences, there is no other relationship has differences, that is, the deep-seated emotional orientation and emotional complex. They are formed in their original families, and they directly affect peoples emotional relationship and couples life in the future. For example, some conflicts between husband and wife are very difficult to solve. In fact, its not that they cant understand each other, nor that the conflict is the fault of both sides, but that they dont understand their own and each others inner complex needs. If the husband and wife have conflicts that they cant solve, so they are very painful and want to get out of the pain, they can accept psychological counseling of marriage emotion to help both parties realize their own complex. Only when we understand the conflicts and needs between ourselves and each others inner world can we identify with ourselves and each other, and accept what we are. Husband and wife war, a symbol of justice in a lawsuit. When understanding really appears, there is no need to shout.
3. Increase the perceptual communication mode. The relationship between husband and wife is a special interpersonal relationship, which is the combination of too many different qualities, and it is both firm and fragile. Whether husband and wife have happiness in marriage depends on whether there is emotional communication. For example:
u2014u2014When you eat, you can listen to music and say something relaxing, instead of talking about work or reason with a bowl;
u2014u2014When the other party has negative emotions, you can gently greet it seems that you are not in a good mood. Is there any unhappiness? Instead of a scoop of cold water, whats wrong with you? ;
u2014u2014When the other party finishes something that may not be perfect, it is first of all to understand the reason and then discuss it, rather than to criticize it on the way out;
u2014u2014When the other party is confused or in difficulty, it is to accompany him (her) silently rather than educate him (her) with reason. It is to help him (her) in the end with heart rather than ignore;
u2014u2014When the other party does well for you or makes achievements in his (her) career field, give him (her) a smile, praise and hug, instead of saying people, its a bit of pursuit, all old husbands and wives, pay attention to so many things and so on;
u2014u2014Can enjoy important festivals and anniversaries together;
u2014u2014Know the content of each others emotional needs, give recognition and try to meet them. Its not like some husbands scold their wives complaints: Ill make money back, you can enjoy it, whats the dissatisfaction?
A persons good feeling is definitely in a warm, kind and loving emotional environment, and is definitely in a state of being understood, recognized and cared for.
The conflict between husband and wife, because of the lack of empathy and the coordination of conflicts, requires less rational confrontation and more perceptual communication.