Q: Ive known each other for 2 months. I can talk at the beginning, but I cant talk anymore. What to do.
Shes 28175. I 33169. It should be like her, there is no topic.
Today, with this live story, lets analyze it in an all-round way:
How to chat?
What is a good chat about?
How to keep the topic between you from flowing?
In general, there are two main points:
First, before we chat, we need to understand each others needs.
Generally, a persons needs are mainly divided into emotional needs and objective fact (or cognitive level) needs.
A good chat must begin with emotion.
When we look up the chat record, we will find that the chat starts from a fact:
In fact, this sentence is a feeling brought by the weather. He is talking about a thing.
There are two kinds of things
Subjective understanding of things;
In this chat record, we are talking about an objective fact.
But what if you say: I dont have the ability to joke and talk about emotions directly?
Theres another way to talk - start with cognition.
All things can be divided into two parts:
Taking our current scene as an example, from the perspective of objective facts, today we stand in a building at the junction of the Yangtze River and the Yellow Sea, where a group of us held a meeting, which is an objective fact.
However, among the people present, different people may have different definitions and understandings of this activity in their subjective world:
Maybe some people come here just to make some new friends;
Some people regard this activity as an opportunity to learn;
Others want to try a new experience;
Of course, there are people who come to see me.
So we will find that everyone has different views on the same thing, which is the difference of our subjective world.
The essence of chatting is that although we are all in the same objective world, everyone has different subjective world. We can connect the subjective world between us through chatting.
Just like the classmate who wants to meet new friends in this activity, and the classmate who comes to see me, they are chatting with each other and are likely to become new friends. This is that one persons view has become the common view of the two of them, because they are connected together.
Second, multi context dialogue.
If you have heard my early lessons or read my earlier articles, you will find that I especially emphasize the skill of telling stories.
For example, we are all from Shanghai. This is a story. The story is that we live on the edge of this Eurasian continent as Homo sapiens, and then we invented a system to make each other believe, just like all of us here gathered today to create an identity, which is also a story.
For example, I wore a blue dress today. I saw a girl wearing the same blue dress at the scene. I can say to this girl:
I think its a special fate to meet you today. Everyone else is wearing clothes of other colors, only the two of us are wearing blue.
This is a story. From here on, we can have a chat about blue:
The above is a demonstration for you, through which you can open up countless new topics.
How endless is chatting? Let the chat never lack of words, through a way we call multi thread.
When we analyze the chat record in the story, we can see that it is a single thread chat.
What is single thread chat?
Like one person in the chat record who said its a nice day today and another said its sunny. This person then said its OK, its not cold or hot, havent eaten yet....
This kind of chat is called single thread chat, that is, I ask you to answer.
Many people in life use this kind of checking account single thread chat:
where are you from?
What do you do for a living?
Whats your name?
What do you like to do?
This kind of dialogue, no more than three sentences, the people who are asked certainly do not want to answer, this is called a single thread dialogue. Single thread dialogue is to move forward on a certain clue, and then the topic of this clue will surely be exhausted.
Next, I will give a correct demonstration, hoping to help this man and other students.
We will start from where you are in checking account. Although it is a dead end, I will start from the second sentence.
For example, I asked this student, where are you from?
She: Im from Fujian.
Then I can say:
Oh, are you from Fujian? I have been to Fujian many times. I have been to Wuyi Mountain, Fuzhou and Xiamen. What impressed me most was that I went to Wuyi Mountain for the first time. At that time, I was still working in Beijing, but I went to Wuyi Mountain by chance.
When I got off the plane at Wuyi Mountain, I thought the air in Wuyi Mountain was very good. I like the special weather, the blue sky and the sunshine when I go out. I dont know if you have such a feeling. Every time you go out, if the weather is that kind of dusk and dark, your mood will not be very good...
Please note that! Weve been talking from Wuyishan to be in a bad mood, which brings us to the mood.
And just in this clip, how many topics have appeared? Countless topics
In fact, now anyone can say a topic, we can jump from the topic just in the story to this topic. Because any topic can be connected together, our experience is that no more than three topics can be connected, and we can connect to point B through point a.
Lets go back to the clip just now. The premise of Wuyi Mountain is that she said she was a fujianren at the beginning, and I just talked about Wuyi Mountain;
I said that when I went to Wuyi Mountain for the first time, my feeling was that the air was very good and I entered the topic of air;
Before I finished talking about this, I began to talk about why I like Wuyishan and so on. There is a lot of information in it.
Through what I just said in these three minutes, we have heard a story, which can open up many topics.
Many people may say: Id like to talk like this, but I havent been to Wuyi Mountain?!
I wrote a book called answers to all emotional questions. You can go back and have a look at it. There is probably a chapter in this book devoted to the topic of multi thread dialogue, which introduces a good method I think. The method is as follows:
You draw a picture, a picture that can help you sort out all the topics related to this from the past to the present.
You may not have been to Wuyi Mountain in your life, but I guess you always pass by Shaxian snacks, right?
You must have passed by Shaxian snacks on the street. Its better to talk about Shaxian snacks than to say Im from Fujian. Do you want to ask where are you from Fujian?
Dont worry. When you finish this sentence, as a Fu Jianren, he will definitely start to discuss eating. Does that change the topic from Fu Jianren to eating? This topic is always easier to talk about.
Why talk about eating? Because eating represents a way of life.
Two people who are not together are talking about who you are and who you want to know about each other.
In this process, you are introducing to each other in detail how you are. This kind of introduction does not mean:
Hello, my name is XX. Where am I from? How tall and how heavy am I? Now I work in a company.
No one wants to hear this kind of introduction, and it doesnt matter, because people can observe it, or they can understand it in other ways.
What a woman wants to know is what she wants to ask but cant.
For example, it may be how much money you have, and on this basis, whether you are a kind person, a brave person, a dedicated person, or what kind of person.
This woman will always have some demands on you, right? So your story has to show your character.
It is very important for both sides to understand each other as soon as possible.
So todays weather is very good and watching the sun is very big do not allow both parties to understand each other, which is the reason why the multi thread conversation in this chat can not be launched.
Once we start a multi thread dialogue, we can definitely understand each other.
Whats more, we have an interesting discovery that most of the male students dialogues are single thread dialogues, but most of the female students natural dialogues are multi thread dialogues.
If you listen to two girls talking for ten minutes, you basically dont know what they are talking about, because their topic has been transferred more than ten times.
Brother, we must learn from today the most important point of chatting with girls - multi thread dialogue.
In fact, I didnt invent the multi thread dialogue, but we found different dialogue structures by observing and summarizing the chat between women.
We recorded all the conversations between the two girls and found that their conversations with the boys were different. Of course, this is a story ten years ago, not today.
We can talk a lot from this part, but due to the time factor, lets talk about these two points first:
First, chat around the needs of the other party, which is best around emotions;
Second, if you cant focus on emotions, you can talk about your views, your views on one thing.
How to talk about opinions? It is to tell stories and share them through multiple dialogues.
Illustration | Shenzhen, visual designer of Huazhen
No organization or individual is allowed to use the illustrations in part or in whole without the permission of Huazhen