In my consulting room, all visitors who complain about intimate relationship between men and women, listen to their stories and look at their mothers, they can get their pulse right.
Recently, in my consulting room, I entered a 28-year-old visitor who has never been in love.
She told me about her mothers life, and I immediately understood what made her afraid of love and marriage.
This is a mom who is always politically correct.
Mother broke her heart for the family.
Dad is a jobless vagrant. From the time of singleness, there is no long-term way to do things: I want to sell used cars today, I want to open restaurants tomorrow, I want to open a snack bar the day after tomorrow, and I want to study the Book of Changes and show fortune telling to people.
It is such a unreliable father, with a very tall and handsome appearance, his mother fell in love at first sight.
Because love at first sight, although I know that my father is unreliable, I still hold a girls fantasy of he is not good, but it must be different to me. My mother married my father.
However, the process of transforming the prodigal son lasted for her mothers life.
After marriage, Dad continued to be unreliable. Work, three days fishing, two days drying net, business loss, and later love to gamble money, often owed a lot of gambling debt, was blocked by creditors to ask for money.
In this case, instead of leaving her father, her mother made an important decision: to be pregnant.
She felt that a man would grow up with a child.
The birth of the child did not change the growth of the father, but let the mother have to be both father and mother.
It seems that there are two children in the family. One is a child and the other is a father.
Women have to work so hard in marriage that visitors have no desire to get married.
This all-round, dead-end, broad and selfless effort, at first hearing, really makes people can not help but lament the greatness of women.
This reminds me of Zhu Yuchens mother.
Zhu Yuchens mothers care for Zhu Yuchen is undoubtedly thoughtful, but it is a kind of mother and baby are not separated when it will be thoughtful: get up every morning to boil soup, cook, take care of the drama team...
She once said: I do not have myself, the meaning of my life is for Zhu Yuchen.
Zhu Yuchen cant get married, even his sister cant get married.
Like my friends mother.
Friends often complain to me that in her family, her mother put her position very low and willingly broke her heart for her family, which made the family feel very depressed. However, it seems that there is nothing to say, because my mother has paid so much for this family, in addition to cooperation and sympathy, what qualifications and emotions do I have? If theres any more emotion, its absolutely absolute evil.
So the friend said, Thats what my mother did. She cut herself in two knives and then said,Its not all for you.
Is this a special case? No, it isnt. This is the collective sketch of women in marriage.
This is a disease, which we call Notre Dames Disease.
One symptom is the bitterness and enmity of marriage. Being a father and a mother, often the husband is his eldest son.
That is the type mentioned above.
The other is Drugman Attraction.
Why attracts slag man? Because I want to transform them.
Why do you want to transform them? Because they are willing to pay, and the slag man is such a perfect goal, you can always pay to achieve a sense of achievement.
Professor Susan Fowards book Obsessive Love once mentioned such a story:
A successful woman, after ending her first failed marriage, met a man who fell in love at first sight at the darkest moment of her life.
However, she soon found out that the man was down and out and could not even pay the rent.
So she not only invited men to live with her, but also began to give them money: from hundreds to thousands, from thousands to tens of thousands. Until the end, the family was ruined.
In one corner of her rationality, she seemed to know that this was not possible. The man was a liar.
However, she could not stop, she could not ignore a weak person in need of help. She felt that she had a responsibility and an obligation to save the man.
This is not the Virgin Mother. What is it?
In the eyes of these Virgin Daughters, the scum man is often fatally attractive.
Because slag man has two characteristics that attract them:
First, enough slag. Enough slag means that there is a lot of room for improvement. The prodigal son turns around, which is in itself the illusion of how many women can satisfy womens desire to transform a man.
Second, the value of support. Many slag men are slag because they are designed to drain resources from each other in intimate relationships. For example, money, patience, care. And a woman with a Virgin Mary complex is willing to pay for it. One is willing to give, the other is willing to take. Its almost seamless.
Although these two kinds of Notre Dames Disease have different manifestations, in the final analysis, they all share the same root cause: irredeemably, they think they are the salvators, and they are responsible to others.
So what are the manifestations of Notre Dames Disease?
Jackie Mason enumerates several characteristics of Virgin Mary Personality in his book The Lovely Curse - A Self-help Handbook of Virgin Mary Personality Psychology. We might as well sit in the right seat and see how many of them we have.
As always, put the needs of others before their own;
Always devote time, energy, money and love to others. Only by not leaving a little for yourself can we get a sense of security through such overwork.
Willing to be trapped in the cage of othersexpectations, though oppressed to the point of suffocation, but not willing to change, or unable to change;
Always treat people kindly as the only code of conduct, and therefore suffer grievances;
Always think too much, always attributes mistakes to themselves;
Many things have priority over their own physical and mental health, and as a result, they support everyone, but let themselves collapse. To make others like themselves, love themselves and accept themselves, they must act in a way that others recognize.
Faced with strong people (parents, teachers, supervisors), they dare not express their true thoughts and needs.
I dare not argue with people in public.
What causes Notre Dames Disease in women?
There are many reasons. One of the important reasons is the lack of love in childhood.
For example, Yu Chengqings ex-wife Yinengjing.
This is a woman who interprets perfect with her life: nearly 50 years old, still beautiful and moving, talented, independent and hard working.
A woman of genuine talent and beauty.
However, Yi Nengjing has been playing a role of abuse all his life.
She did not allow herself to make mistakes.
In a reality show, Ying Jing was touched by a little mistake in taking care of her children. Ying Jing instantly collapsed and slapped herself.
Look at Yi Nengjings family.
In this way, from the very beginning, Yi Nengjing has carried two heavy burdens of life: first, I have no value; second, I have the responsibility to raise the whole family.
For those who lack love, I have to work hard enough for my parents to like me.
Because our values are not recognized, parentslove in childhood is often conditional.
For example, you are not a boy, but a girl; for example, if you are good, I like you; for example, if you are good enough, I love you.
This, in turn, further contributes to our sense of worthlessness.
In order to please our parents, we try to figure out what they think, satisfy them and take care of their emotions in exchange for their current survival.
At this point, our real thoughts are hidden.
Our true thoughts, our true selves, and our true aspirations are true selves; we are false selves in order to please our parents, others and others.
British psychoanalyst Rhein said that true self is built around ones own feelings, and false self is built around the feelings of others.
If false ego dominates, then we will be driven by the feelings of others. At this time, all our actions revolve around the needs and feelings of others, and we will live for others.
Notre Dames Disease means living for others all the time.
At the same time, Notre Dames Disease is also a subconscious compulsive repetition.
When I was a child, because of lack of love, my heart was broken.
The collapse of their own, not only to clean up their own collapse, but also struggle to continue to find ways to survive.
Its just too painful. It goes deep into the bone marrow and can be said to be unforgettable forever.
When we grow up, when we are powerful, it is easy to see the weak want to help.
Even if we have a radar, we will unconsciously look for those who need help, or very sensitive from some people to find things or moments they need help. Once we find it, we will project our helpless image of childhood collapse on each other. Finally, we have a chance to help.
No one can really be Virgin Mary to anyone else. Imagine that even parents can not have 100% unconditional love for their children. How can we possibly have Virgin Mary unconditional love for another person?
So the object that makes us Virgin Mary look like someone else, but actually we are ourselves.
Therefore, all our Virgin Mary feelings and actions towards others are pathological.
Since it is pathological, there must be many complications.
For example, Behind the acts of the Virgin Mary, there are often:
Transitional control over others; Im right; since Im right, if others are slightly different, then they must be evil; Moral kidnapping: Ive done so much, you should return it __________. Suppressive atmosphere; against the halo of the Virgin Mary, others seem to have come to the dark side of the picture and become wicked people...
For example, the visitor case I mentioned at the beginning of this article. The visitors father had been derailed many times because his mother was too bitter and hatred, sacrifice, intolerance and control, which made her father feel very depressed at home and had no living space.
For example, in a reality show, Qin Hao was demonized into an irresponsible shotgun who only knows how to play with his mobile phone, which set off Ying Jing as a 48-year-old, suffered a lot, risked his life and gave birth to a child for his true love, but was forced to widow-take-a-child.u201c Notre Dame.
Therefore, the Virgin Mary personality has many hidden dangers.
To get rid of Notre Dames disease, you dont have to be a white lotus with bitter hatred, eternal devotion and humiliation.