Our family is a typical model of male-dominated, female-dominated and internal-dominated. Dads career is very successful, and he has absolute voice.
Now I have a very favorite girlfriend. I envy my girlfriend very much. Her family atmosphere is very harmonious. Unlike my family, there is no equal tone of voice. Dad and Mom speak in an orderly tone. Mom often nags me. I often quarrel with Mom.
But the girlfriends family is different. Every day the family is happy and laughing. Everything will be discussed together. I think their family is very warm. I would like to form such a family with her.
This is a statement from a male visitor, who had come to consult in the hope of recovering his girlfriend. His intention to develop with his girlfriend was particularly strong, and he said that as long as he could recover his girlfriend, he would be willing to pay any price.
It seems that the boy is very good and dedicated. His girlfriend is very important in his heart. But in fact, the visitor is not looking for his girlfriend, but for the warmth of his family. Because he had not received such family warmth, he cherished it very much. Even if there was a glimmer of hope, he wanted to seize it and refused to let it go.
Because we lack attention, we are eager to pay attention.
Because of lack of love, we are desperately looking for love.
I cant say this is not love, but I want to say that only two people who do not lack love can establish a long-term stable relationship.
My visitor, anxious to get rid of the bad relationship at home, put his spirits on his girlfriend, so the other party must be overburdened, and this relationship will become very fragile.
In relationships, theres not so much to take for granted.
Often the problems of marriage and love arise from the following three wrong requirements:
1. I love you, so you also need to love me;
2. I love you, so I can control your thoughts and actions.
3. I love you, so you have to make my life happy.
But actually, loving someone gives us a reason to do something for each other, and its up to the other person to decide whether to accept it or not.
If I pay, I also ask the other party to pay; if I treat you well, I also ask the other party to be good to me, if not, they will blame, complain and feel grievance.
But in fact, if it is not what we really want to do, we can not do it. The other party is not obligated to take responsibility for our happiness, because our efforts are voluntary, no one is pushing us, no one can force us.
Often the other side does not ask us to do so many things, but we want to achieve some effect, so we pay so diligently.
For example, this visitor of mine always prepares gifts carefully during festivals, in order to let the other party give him more love.
And this effect, as long as the girlfriends response is not as exciting as he thought, he will be very unhappy, give his girlfriend a face, feel I have paid so much, you have to show very excited, vow not to stop, do not until the other side satisfied him.
But in fact, he does not know that the other party has the right to not cooperate, not that we paid, the other party must cooperate with us.
Its like when we were young, we wanted a toy, and if our parents couldnt meet my requirements, we cried and screamed.
As a parent, I will surely think that this child is so ignorant and unpleasant, but if we change a way that parents can accept, such as spoiling and selling, parents may readily agree to our request.
So we dont mean that we can take it for granted to open our hands and wait for the other party to give us what we want.
We need to think more from each others point of view. What does the other need? How can we make the other party willing to give us the desired effect? Thats the key.
In a relationship, we need not only love, but also each other.
It would be great if we were lucky enough to find a loving person who was willing to help us, and we grew up together with his support to achieve good results.
But we are often not so lucky, because there are so many people who lack love.
When we were young, we depended on our parents. We tried to get a sense of existence, value and love through the outside world.
The closest link to the word love is intimacy, so in the absence of love from parents, we hope to be compensated for in intimacy.
In the relationship, each of us hopes to have a person to love ourselves well. This is our nature. We all want to be loved, cared for and cared for.
But its easy to forget that when the other party finds us, they also want to be loved, cared for and cared for by us.
Two people who are equally missing and expect to have the other half to make up for it are like two children holding out their hands. I cant satisfy you and you cant satisfy me.
Its like saying, I dont have love, can you give it to me? Another voice said, I dont have love either. Can you give it to me?
We have been pursuing our soul mate all our lives. We desire him to be able, respectable, gentle and progressive, to be tolerant, understanding and supportive of me, to be faithful to me, but we often neglect what advantages we have and what benefits we can give each other.
If we dont have money, we cant give each other money.
If we dont have happiness, we cant give each other happiness.
If we dont have love, we cant give each other love.
So, the world is big, there are many people who are richer than us, there are many people who are richer than us, there are many people who are more than we love, so excellent TA, why not choose other people, and choose us?
Therefore, when we look for the other half with the mentality of turning the page by the other side, we will be disappointed, because the other side is not a fool, as long as we have better choice, we will definitely choose better.
At this time, some people may ask, then I lack love, what should I do? Do you die alone?
How can we save ourselves without love?
1. Love yourself
We want our partners to pay attention to themselves, how we pay attention to our feelings, take care of our thoughts, and respect our inner wishes.
Only by learning to love yourself can we be able to love others. Many people know this sentence, but in real life, many people put the cart before the horse. We do not put ourselves first, but hope that the other party will put us first.
We hope that the other side will consider their own feelings, but they are grieving for perfection, not considering their own feelings, step by step, there is no principle of the bottom line.
We hope that the other side can appreciate their own advantages, but they feel inferior, feel that they are worthless, where is not good.
So if we can have a good love with ourselves, and have the ability to take good care of ourselves and make ourselves happy, it is to love ourselves well.
2. Love others
The essence of love is altruism, not just our own feelings, only our own emotions, so we have to learn to consider each others feelings, to meet each others needs, for example, to understand transposition thinking.
When we understand that the other half is under pressure, and is used to digesting emotions through their calm thinking, what we should do is to give each other enough space, not to disturb, which is to express love.
Of course, love is mutual.
When we become a happy and loving person, we have the ability to give each other happiness, and plant a seed of love, so that our feelings become more and more happy, more and more love.
For example, if we want the other half to be considerate, then we should also be considerate; if we want the other half to be ambitious, then we should also be ambitious.
Its like we call I love you to the mountains, and then we hear the echo of I love you.
If we keep loving ourselves and others in our lives, then we will enter a virtuous positive circle. Every action and every word is watering love.
May you learn to love, give love, water love and harvest love.
Author | Xie Liping
Illustration | Shenzhen, Visual Designer of Huazhen
Illustrations in this article, no organization or individual may use them in part or in whole without the permission of Huazhen.