These are the tumors of discourse that prevent the other party from taking heart and destroying the relationship.
How on earth should I speak?
How to break the interpersonal deadlock?
After reading the book Control, I sum up the following five invincible skills for you.
Persuasion must be face to face
I remember interviewing Andy Lau when he said that he did not like to call people. If something is necessary, make an appointment for face-to-face interviews.
Because of the reaction of the other party, you can GET directly. You can also receive the other persons emotions directly.
Theres no need to guess. There is no need to speculate.
Geographical proximity not only brings psychological proximity.
Conveniently, you can pull the dialogue into this moment, here, and here, so that he can focus on the present, focus on your words, and not think about other ABCD.
There are two advantages:
1. Its easier to dig your heart out.
2. More persuasive.
Therefore, almost all important negotiations, interrogations and conversations will not be used in online chat or telephone communication, because the effect will be greatly reduced.
Single Information + Repetition + Lag of Consequences
In Control, one of the most frequent keywords is the instantaneous mode of thinking.
It has four elements.
First, the simpler the information, the better.
Second, repetition can increase familiarity.
Third, it does not cause people to think independently.
Fourth, the results should lag behind.
Heres a simple example.
The same product, it made two advertisements.
Advertising A is a magnificent video with all kinds of information. It is very advanced and rich.
Advertising B is a simple video with only one highlight, and the highlights keep repeating. It seems very LOW.
But in the actual transformation, B is better.
For example, we often see advertisements in elevators: wedding photos, where to take photos, XX brigade photographs.
The information is simple and repetitive, just like nailing a nail, finding a point, knocking repeatedly.
Later, it will enter your subconscious mind. When you have similar needs, the first idea is: wedding photos, where to take photos, XX brigade photos.
So the benefits of this advertisement are very powerful.
The lesson is that if you want to persuade people, remember:
Single, make information more accurate.
Repetition makes information more interesting.
Simplicity + repetition + not thinking about consequences = the mind is in control.
Therefore, when communicating with people, there is too much information to avoid. Just talk about one or two things. Once the key information is in place, it will be effective.
See each others fears, appeals
Previously, I learned a great persuasive skill from professional psychologists.
It is not difficult to say this skill, that is, to repeat each others position and demands.
You chat with a person and you talk so much that you dont want to give in.
He shouted angrily, How can you be trusted because you have done such a disgraceful job that it is not over yet and you have no basic sense of responsibility?
Notice what his last sentence is - people tend to put the deepest appeal at the end. You pay attention to his last words, hear it, and repeat it.
Dont answer like this:
You can do this:
Youre right, you have no sense of responsibility, you really cant make people believe that I will try my best to make up for it, so lets think about it now...
In this way, the atmosphere will ease down.
u2014u2014 When he throws it, you catch it. He feels respected.
u2014u2014 Once he is respected, his anger will dissipate more than half.
In daily life, I often use this way to communicate with children, and the effect is immediate.
For example, children are making a fuss in anger.
At this time, you said to him, Dont make any mischief. Okay, be quiet. You have grown up and cant make any mischief without reason...
It really doesnt work.
He was still angry.
Not at all. You just need to see him.
u2014u2014 Dont talk down to your child. This is a reprimanding, commanding, instructive posture, not a communicative posture.
u2014u2014 Let both sides have the same horizon.
Its like communicating with children.
People can only communicate with equal people equally.
u2014u2014 Dont say, Why are you so fussy? Its judgment, its blame.
u2014u2014 Say, You must be very grieving right now, I understand you, and if I were you, I would be angry too. Its seeing, its accepting.
As long as you say this, the childs mood will relax immediately.
Believe it or not, try it.
The third step is to tell him that this is not a good thing, not a bad person.
u2014u2014 Dont say, Whats wrong with you? Youre always so annoying. This is an attack on him, a derogation of him, and will cause his sense of low value.
u2014u2014 Say, Baby, youre not doing very well because you dont take into account the feelings of others. This is to point out the right and wrong of a thing, to sort out the facts, to tell the future face of such things, how to improve.
When you communicate with people in this way for a long time, you will find that many things become extremely harmonious.
We are not opposed you and me, but we who can sympathize with each other.
Call each other by name
When two people have their own opinions, its easy to fall apart.
A is greasy, because he is XXXX.
A Still greasy? He feels so young. Look at him XXXX.
People will repeat their opinions over and over again, ignoring what the other person says.
And the voice is getting louder and louder.
Its only a step away from the quarrel.
Theres a little trick to stop the other person right away - to call the other persons name.
We all have the experience that when a person calls you by name, he immediately shuts up and goes into the listening mode.
For example, when your boyfriend shouts angrily:
Why do you never listen to me, why do you always disrespect me, why do you treat me like a tool...
The wrong way to deal with it is:
He would be instinctively shocked. Start listening to you.
Then you use these three ways to control him.
1. Call him by name + an instruction.
u2014u2014 Yanzu, look at me! This will help you take the initiative.
u2014u2014 Yanzu, listen to me! Then raise your hand.
Gestures are the second lips and tongues of a person. When you raise your hand, you can convey a strong psychological hint: I am trustworthy, listen to me...
3. Call him by his name and use it in three ways.
Tell him, Yanzu, you must be sad now, right? You think...
Calling each others name can make people feel alive.
Emphasizing each others emotions can make people feel understood.
In this way, the defense will be laid down and the emotion will flow.
Lower your voice and slow down your speech.
Another thing we should pay attention to is: dont pitch higher than people, dont speak faster than people.
Remember that the most powerful messages are in bass.
The book Control also mentions that bass is more persuasive than high volume.
Can bitches win peoples hearts by shouting in the street?
Its just disgusting.
Throughout the ages, all negotiators, such as Tang Yong, Zhuge Liang and Confucius, have not been able to turn the tide around by roaring.
Because people only listen to what others say when they are most relaxed.
It is only when there is no threat to oneself that one puts down his defense and accepts others.
If you are in conflict with someone and you are emotionally aroused, the wrong way is to shout impulsively and hysterically.
The right way is to lower the volume and slow down the speed of sound so that the other person can hear you instead.
To sum up, communication is a very important ability.
But what you should remember is that if you dont want to live a war-like life, you should see others, understand them, communicate softly, dont try to negotiate everything at once, one or two things can be solved by one or two exchanges, which is already a success of merit and virtue, and then repeat the consensus of both sides, emphasize the same of both sides, and understand both sides. This kind of communication can not only bring peace, but also make others really see you.